Torn

Ugh. What a day.

I spent the day preparing for my interview. I was really confident that I would do well. I thought I might even come home employed.

The interview went about as well as I expected, although I wasn't expecting quite such pointed questions about my life and my faith. Obviously, it is a Christian non-profit organization, so those things are important. I was a little thrown by her asking me to explain how I came to be a Christian... I don't really have a story... I've just gone to church since I was born. :)  I thought at one point that it was a done deal, when she started explaining what we had to wear to work. But then before I left she mentioned that she had 3 other people to interview. I asked her candidly what she thought the chances were, since I didn't want to waste 2 more weeks not looking for work if I didn't have this job. She smiled and told me not to apply for anything else. So, things went pretty much exactly like I thought they would. But....

I knew that, since it is, a charity, essentially, that the pay would be low. I had already decided that #1, it was important to me that I like where I work, and that it be somewhere that I could be proud of, and somewhere that would help me in my journey to become who I want to be- and #2, that there are just no jobs out there right now. When I heard that F had lost his job- after 23 loyal years with the same company- I knew that I couldn't keep waiting for the "right" job with a great salary and convenient hours. I know people who have been unemployed for 4 years. For real. So I decided that even though this wouldn't pay a lot, it was better than nothing.

However, I was NOT expecting the amount they pay. I could make more waiting tables. It threw me for a loop. I have been feeling very anxious all day. It is where I want to work, and I understand that working for a charity doesn't pay a lot... But this is less than 'not a lot'. It's almost a joke. I don't understand how people work there. Obviously it is only people who have partners also working. Or have other jobs, like I know one of them does...

I am just not sure any more. It is definitely my first choice of places to work out of the opportunities I have seen s far.. But to work so many hours to bring home almost no money? And the whole point of this was to make as much money as possible to start saving for L's college. I told her about it, and I saw her face fall. She wants me to make a lot of money so she can go to school...  Although I really want to work somewhere I can be proud of and that I feel has purpose, on the other hand, is this being irresponsible- to work for so little when there HAS to be something else out there?

My thought at the moment is to take it if it is offered, and work there until something better comes along, if that happens. If I am offered something really extraordinary, then I can move on. But for now, this job is better than no job, and at least it pays something. Ugh. Anxiety.

Of course, it didn't help that I had to explain, AGAIN, what happened. Why I am single, why I am working, why I left my old job... After all this time, I still don't know an easy way to explain it. And after all this time, it still hurts to tell it.

I walked out just a jumble of emotions. I felt great about how the interview had gone. I nailed it, definitely. I felt great about being there, and knowing that I was probably going to get the job. But My anxiety was raising about the pay, and my heart hurt after having to try to explain why I left my old job...

I ran a bunch of errands... I didn't get everything I needed, but L was coming by here after school, so I had to get back. I will have to finish errands tomorrow before Octoberfest...