Today

It was an OK day. It got off to a tenuous start- my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed until about 11... I felt so down on myself for not getting up earlier and getting busy that it kind of messed up the beginning of the day... 

But, as they say in the rooms, you can chose to start your day over at any moment. A day is 24 hours- those 24 can start at any moment. You can start a new day any time you want... So I got my list of things that need to be done, and tried to get going.  I always feel so much better, and better about myself, after I have accomplished something. 

I had been planning to go to JoAnne Fabrics to get some things for M's dress. I know that they have a 'help wanted' sign on the door. So I thought that I would see about talking to the manager while I was there. That is one of the major things I was anxious about when I woke up... I decided that before I went and applied of a job, I would call the bookstore one more time. I decided to just ask them stright out if they were going to be hiring. If they weren't, then I would just go to JoAnnes and apply. I was certain I could get hired there. But I really want to work at the bookstore. It was my first choice, the moment I knew I needed to work. 

So, I called. I am afraid of telephones, so just the fact that I picked up the phone to call was a big thing for me. I talked to the manager, and asked her flat out what the likelihood of them hiring anyone soon was, and told her that I was putting off applying other places, because I wanted to work there. She asked me why I wanted to work there, and a few questions about availability. And then she asked me to come in on Monday for a face to face interview! If I hadn't called, that wouldn't have happened. Who knows how leisurely a pace they are going to take in hiring. It could have been weeks, or never at all. But because I was persistent, I am going in to talk to her on Monday. And I am just sure that I will get hired once she talks to me. I am certain of it. I can do anything they could possibly need me to do, and I am enthusiastic and ready and willing to work. I have seen the other people who work there. Unless she has some problem with me personally, or I suppose unless they only need people for nights or weekend, which I couldn't do, then I am very confident that I will get a job. 

When I hung up with her is when I picked up the phone to text L about it... But she was still in school. My next thought was to text him about it, but... Obviously I can't do that. So I sat alone and had no one to share my happiness with. That made me feel very sad for a good part of the day, even thought I was happy about the interview and proud of myself. 

I never did get to JoAnnes. Once I knew that I wasn't going to apply for a job, I decided that the things I needed were further down the priority list than things that I needed to do at home. Once the girls got home, I found out that I took M's entire dress apart for no reason, and that what I was going to try on the waist band won't work. That irritated me, but I have it mostly back together now, and I think it is going to be OK. 

I went to the football game- it was an away game. Our team sucks. But the game was almost over when we scored another touchdown and they tied the game!! Then we went into overtime, and they got a touchdown and field goal, and then WE got a touchdown, and a two point conversion, and WON the game! That is extraordinary! I am so excited that the team is doing so well during L's senior year.  They have lost every game they have played since she started going there. So this is exciting! 

I got home and looked over my list of things to do. I tried something with M's dress and discovered a really cool idea that is going to make it look really nice, so I am excited about that. I am knocking things off of my list slowly but surely. And once I am working, I think that is going to take so much off of my mind, plus giving me a reason to wake up every morning, and people to talk to during the day.  Tomorrow I plan to work in the yard the entire day. I need to rake and then mow over the leaves. I need to trim the hydrangeas and weed the flowerbed. Maybe I will clean the back porch (again). I also need to go by JoAnnes and get the things I didn't get today. And if I want, there is a meeting at 6. I probably should go to that. 

I am really feeling positive about the future. I'm not saying I am not still sad. I sat there at the game all alone, and saw every other single person there with a friend or a partner. That hurts and makes me lonely. I want to be able to share things. But I am no longer feeling hopeless. I am excited about this year. I know that it is going to be fine- it is going to be great. I am looking forward to meeting people and being busy. When I'm not working, I am going to go to the gym and get myself into the shape that I always wanted to. I don't have to plan my schedules around anyone else but the kids. I don't have to worry about what anyone else whats to do or doesn't, or what they approve of.  For the first time ever, I am looking forward and seeing a future that is wide open, full of possibilities. And I am excited about it.