So I planned to work on the yard all day. I raked all of the leaves into the yard. I raked them out of the flowerbeds and the bushes and off the driveway into the grass. I got blisters on the palms of my hands and I was sore, but I felt good about how much I had gotten done. My plan was to mow over the leaves and mulch them. I am not strong enough to rake all of the leaves to the curb or to bag them all. If I do it about once a week, I can just mow over all the leaves, mulching them, and make the yard look leaf free.
I went to get the lawn mower and it wouldn't start. I primed the engine and tried again. It made a noise, but it wouldn't turn over... I pulled it over and over again until my shoulder hurt. I pushed the primer button again and again. I thought maybe I had flooded the engine, so I went to rake for a few minutes. I tried again and it still didn't work. I would pull it over and over again, and then wait a few minutes and do something else and then come back... After a while, I began to realize that it was broken. It wasn't going to start.
I got so frustrated. I felt like I was going to cry. It was just too much. I had planned to spend all day doing this. Now I was running out of time, and I wasn't going to get it done... But tomorrow, I won't be here. I will be at the Pumpkin Carving party and it is over an hour away... Then Monday, the rain from Hurricane Sandy should be here, and the rain will soak the leaves and make them impossible to mow over... Not to mention that the wind was blowing all of the leaves back into the driveway and into the flower beds. All of my work was going to be for nothing. THREE hours of raking for nothing...
I tried it again, over and over again. it would not start. It was broken...
I started to cry. I went into the laundry room and sat down and just cried. Big, hot, burning tears. It wasn't just the wasting of the day... I kept thinking, one year ago- almost exactly one year ago- I was trying to rake an entire season of leaves all by myself. The rake kept getting caught in the vines. My shoulders were hurting. I just couldn't do it myself. And I shouldn't have had to. Last year I just kept thinking- families are supposed to do this together. When I was a kid, we used to help with the yard work. We had to. We raked and mowed and held open the bags so that dad could put the leaves and grass clippings in it... I always just wanted my husband to help me with these things. For us to do things like this together, as a family... Last year, T wasn't there. I was doing it alone. He had left me, again, and I was doing all these things alone. I wanted to be a family. I wanted to be part of something. I wanted to share my life with someone.... But I was alone. And raking all of the leaves was just symbolic... I cried the whole time I was raking.... About a month later, T was here. He and the girls helped with all the leaves that were left. We did it in an afternoon, and it was fun and I loved it. It was like a family and it is a wonderful, wonderful memory for me....
So today, I was crying over more than just the lawn mower... Here I was, one year later, still alone. Still raking leaves alone. And everything I tried to do- all the good I tried to do, all the chores I tried to accomplish- it was all for nothing. Nothing I tried to do ever seems to amount to anything. I do hard work, and nothing good comes from it...
I was crying, and in my head, I was yelling at God. I was yelling, "REALLY?? Really? I do all this work, and it is for nothing?! I keep trying to do good and I keep getting punished for it! What are you trying to do to me? Is there a lesson here? Are you trying to teach me something? What lesson could there POSSIBLY BE from this happening today??"
And I sat there. And I was quiet. And I heard a voice. My voice, sort of. I very clearly heard the voice in my head say, "Maybe the lesson is that doing something on your own doesn't mean that you have to do it alone... Maybe the point is that you could ask someone for help..."
I don't know why I thought it. But it made me think... I texted D and asked if she was home. I told her what was going on... She and F got in their car and came over here. They were here in 20 minutes. F brought a tool kit and fiddled with the lawn mower for a while. He changed the spark plug, and then it worked...
I mowed the whole front yard. Twice, really, cause I had to go over the leaves a few times... I got everything in the front yard done. It ran out of gas just as I got to the back yard. I took that as a sign, since it was 25 minutes until the 6pm meeting. I came in and tidied up, and went to the meeting. That is a whole different post. It was an experience....
So, not only did I learn that I can ask for help- that I can be strong and independent and get things done on my own even if I ask for help...
I also learned about spark plugs, and will be able to change it myself next time...
What started out as a bad thing wound up being good. A lesson. Another one.
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