Another Step

What did I do today? Did I do anything? 

L had to get to a party by 6, so they packed up and she took M to Dad’s early. I was alone by 5:45. I showered, even though I really didn’t need to just for a meeting... But there is this part of me that is still waiting for him to show up somewhere... So I keep primping. Ugh. 

I went to B&N at about 7, and stayed til about 7:45, and then headed to the meeting. I got a Moleskin book for the RV stuff, and I got 3 books for G, all on Audrey Hepburn, a writing book for L for Christmas, and gift for T for Christmas.... 

The meeting was interesting... * brought the program, but he didn’t know until he arrived that it was supposed to be him. He came up with a thing from yesterdays reading about making “passive choices”. I had to talk first... I said that I had been thinking a lot about something sort of on the same track as ‘passive choices’-  this whole “people pleasing” thing I have been thinking about... 

I said that I keep putting other people first- doing what they want to do, going where they want to go, not wanting to be the “Stephanie” of the group... And while I think that putting other people first is a good and noble thing to do, I was doing it at times that I shouldn't have, and became an enabler, and allowed things to happen that shouldn’t. In addition, after putting other people first so much, for so long, then when they don’t put ME first ever, I get resentful and hurt. After a while of always thinking of others, but them never caring about me, I get so hurt and resentful that I just get mad and become crazy and I think no one loves me and I am irrational and all that other stuff the opening paragraph talks about... 

I said that I don’t have an answer- I am looking for one. I said that I don’t know where the line lies between being kind and caring and putting others first- or standing up for myself and what I want and what is best for me. I don’t want to be the bitch who announces that no one can sit on the porch because *I* don’t want to sit on the porch... Where is the line? How can I still be kind and be the kind of person I want to be, but not be a pushover? 

Every single person in the room said something directly related to my share. It was almost like I brought the program. Obviously this is an issue that resounds with people. They knew exactly what I was talking about. I am not alone... 

After the meeting I talked to * for a long time. I told him that I appreciated that he always said that it’s going to get worse before it gets better... Everyone else acts like Al-Anon made their life so happy and chipper from the moment they walked in... * said it will get better a bit in the beginning, and then when you start working it, it will get bad. Terrible. He said that you would hit bottom after you started working the program, and then eventually work back up... That has been true for me. While I can see that my life can be better, and I can see how to do it, it is SO hard to just simply START to act and live a different way overnight- impossible, actually- that it is frustrating and painful. Some people resent that you are changing. Some people resent that you haven’t changed yet. Some people think that changing your behaviours is as easy as just deciding to do it... And then to be constantly confronted with things about you that suck, and things that were your fault- it is hard. 

So, * said that people pleasing is insidious. He said it sneaks in and gets so deep into you and is so hard to identify... He says that people pleasing is just a way to try to contol people. That doing nice things for people to make them happy is actually your way of trying to control how they feel. When they give you thanks or appreciation for what you did, you get your approval fix, and feel loved and accepted. He certainly had a point. When I don’t get any acknowledgment for the things I try to do for people, my first feeling is that they don’t love me. That I give and give, and they don’t care and they don’t give back because I am nothing to them. 

I told him that I could not discern the difference between when I am doing something to gain someones approval (thus actually doing it for myself), or when I am genuinely doing it out of pure kindness. I always think I am just being kind. I always genuinely think that I am just being nice, with no strings attached. It isn’t until after they don’t say thank you, or ask for even more, or treat me badly after I did something nice that I get upset...

As I was driving home, I thought that actually, there is one time that I can be absolutely certain that I am giving out of pure kindness, not expecting any acknowledgement or love in return... At McDonalds. There is no way (normally) for the person behind me to thank me. There is never a way for them to return the kindness, and I will never see them again.  Many times, I just see them smile and wave, and I drive away. 

The other thing I thought while I was driving home was that I could see, at least in hindsight, the behaivour that * was talking about... I can read old e-mails and see myself saying over and over again that I just don’t feel loved. I can remember feeling exactly that way when the kids don’t appreciate what I do for them. That night after the fight at the restaurant, all I could think of was that I had tried SO HARD to make everyone happy, and yet somehow, I was the bad guy and everyone was mad at me, and what had I done? I had tried to help and I was the only one anyone was mad at. How the hell did that happen? 

I could see that my unhealthy need for approval had a lot to do with our relationship going the way it did. It didn’t help at all that I needed so much approval and that I was dating someone who gave none at all, and was incapable of getting hints that I needed it or that all he had to do was just give me a little reassurance to make me feel better.  

At first I thought, well shit, I can see what he thinks was so impossible to deal with or impossible to figure out, and why he would be frustrated with me. I could see at least part of what my contribution to the problem was... At first I wondered what I was supposed to do. Should I call him and tell him that I see now what I was doing wrong? Certainly I am going to try not to do it any more... But then I realized- I have always said that I know I did things wrong. Maybe I couldn’t see what they were yet exactly, but I knew that I had a lot of work to do on myself. The one thing I could promise was that little by little, I would see the things I do wrong, and would work or being a better person. He knew this. He knew I was working. He has seen behaviours change already. He has seen me stress over being a better person. Just because I see and understand something now that he was saying, that only changes something on my side. That doesn’t change anything on his side. He wasn’t willing to stand by me while I work on myself. He pretty much said that he couldn’t stand me the way I was, and that he had no faith in me that I would ever change, and he didn’t want to be with a person like me. He didn’t believe in me enough to believe that I could get better, and he wasn’t willing to be my partner and my friend while I work though these very, very hard things. 

These are things that are INGRAINED in my persona. My family (and most families with a lot of children and a lot of extroverts) all over dramatize and over emote to get their points across. We are all deeply passionate people, loud and emotional, happy and sad... Sometimes I couldn’t get any attention at all, because my mother was so engrossed in her own issues, or because for whatever reason, she didn’t think that what I was saying or feeling was important enough to listen to- so I (my sister, too) learned that you had to be extra sick, extra sad, extra angry to get her attention.... With J, he was just as, or more, emotional as I. Emotion was not looked down on- it was celebrated and expected and the norm. During a fight, you would have to be the louder or more emotional person to be heard. During the really bad times, I had to be on the absolute edge of intense emotion for him to be able to see how deeply what he was doing was hurting me. If I just asked normally, he would say OK, and then continue to do whatever it was. If I needed him to understand that I needed him to change something, he had to see me in tears, in pain, practically freaking out, before he would feel bad enough to truly think about what he was doing. In the end, even the crying, screaming, begging on my knees, frantic emotions didn’t work. He didn’t care, or was so sensitized to it that nothing worked to make him feel guilty enough to care about what he was doing... 

I can’t just STOP these things over night. Should I? Yes, absolutely, yes. But I can’t. I can try, and I will try, and I am trying. But it will take time. It might take a long time. * said he was in the program for SEVEN years before he started really getting it. I don’t think it will take that long for me, just because he was stuck on the higher power part, and couldn’t believe in a God that cared for him or was in control. I believe that and embrace it. And I know I have issues, and I want to change them. I do not think that everything is someone else's fault. 

I just wanted one person who would love me, even though I was flawed. Someone who could look at me and see how awesome I was when things were happy, and know that I had the potential to be like that all the time. Someone who could look past my flaws to who I REALLY was, and love me. And stay.  

All of this is going to be so hard. It hurts so much to look and really open my eyes fully to how I have been and how I can act and who I wanted to be and who I am not. It hurts and it is hard. I just wanted there to be someone in my corner, who would just be there. 

I don’t think that is so much to ask.