L

Gave blood today. Saw two friends from the old church, and W. I had a really good time. W told me a story that had me in stitches. And he and F both talk so much, it made me giggle to watch them together. They were a force to be reckoned with. :) 

L was having a bad day. She was depressed and wanted me to bring her home from school early. I wouldn't do it. I talked to her for a long time after school. I tried to tell her that I understood how she felt. That I suffered with depression and anxiety, and I understood feeling like you just CAN'T do it, but that you have to. You just have to force yourself to be strong and do what needs to be done... I tried to give her examples of how I felt to show that I understood what she was going through. She got mad at me- accused me of making it all about myself. 

I got stern with her. I told her that I was not making it about myself, I was just trying to make her see that I get it. I explained to her in detail how I feel when I wake up. About the anxiety. I told her about high school, and the cutting. I described what it is like to be me, especially when I am depressed or anxious. I know for a fact that I was describing her. I could see it on her face. She wouldn’t look at me, but her eyes started to well up with tears...

Then I told her that she wasn't going to want to hear this, but this is the truth:  I said that being depressed and anxious is like falling into a hole. It isn't your fault that you are there, and people just telling you to get out of it is stupid and they don't understand what it's like. I understand how you get anxious or depressed, so you don't want to do anything. So you don't. Then you feel guilty for not doing the things you should. Then the guilt makes you feel bad about yourself. So then you are feeling anxiety, depression, guilt and self loathing... Which makes you not want to get up off of the bed even more. So you don't do even more things that you should do. And you feel even worse when you don't... You stay down in that hole, and you dig it deeper and deeper- all by yourself. You find yourself so deep that you feel like you can't ever get out. I understand all of that. I know- I have been there. I am there now. I get it... But I told her that what she does't want to hear is that you have to just DO something about it. You HAVE to just make a list of all the things that you are feeling too anxious to do, and the things that you are feeling guilty for not doing, and DO one. Just one. Just get up off of your ass and do something. You will feel better about yourself for doing something. Then maybe you can do another. I told her about "I got better when I got busy" and "fake it til you make it"... I knew she was a little pissed at me for being so blunt, but, it had to be done. It is something I have to do every single day. Especially now that I have been alone. Then I told her that she can not get better until she decides that she wants to. No one can get her off of the bed and no one can make her feel better about herself. I told her that when she decides that she has had enough, and she is ready to do something to change her feelings and her life, that I will be there. That I will be waiting for her, and I will help her however I can, and I will be her biggest cheerleader. But she has to decide to do it first... 

About a half hour later, I heard her get out of the bed, and start practicing oboe. 

I went in and kissed her forehead and told her that I was so proud of her. 

My heart breaks for her. I don't want anyone to have to live like I have. To have to feel like I have. But I also felt great hope. She listened to me. I think she heard me. And she got up off of the bed and did something. I hope she can learns from my mistakes before she is robbed of the best years of her life.