Sunday

Church. I am really enjoying Sunday School with A. Really. He is fun and interesting to talk to. One of those guys that gives the impression that he is a "good ole boy", then surprises you with his intelligence and attitudes. 

It was a LONG service. The Pastor back! He looks fantastic. Seriously, I think he looks better than before he had the stroke. Don't know how that is possible, but it's true. 

Talked to O for a long time afterward. He asked a ton of questions about my personal life. Didn’t know exactly how to handle that. The more we talked, the more comfortable I felt telling him things. But he is one of those guys who interrupts while you are talking to say, “right, right...” and then say what he is going to say... He asked me to go get coffee with him. I begged off, saying I had the girls. He said maybe we could next week, or that maybe he would give me a call... I don't want to get coffee with him. Or anyone. Suddenly, people are noticing that T is gone, and they are everywhere, asking me to go places and do things, and I can't possibly know what their motives or intentions are. I don't want to have to say no. I just don't want them to ask.... It causes me anxiety. 

On one hand, having to tell people that T is gone is really bothering me and making me feel embarrassed and awful. On the other hand, I keep hearing things that make me realize why our relationship wasn't going to work, and make me feel like maybe I have dodged a bullet by not being with him anymore... 

O said that his Divorce Care class made him realize that if he got into another relationship, what he needed was someone who was willing to TALK about their feelings. Really get INTO it, and share everything. He actually said, “Get our heads up each other’s asses and see all the bad stuff.” ... He talked about being in touch with his feelings and how important emotions are... All the things that T hates and thinks are unhealthy and unnecessary. That is exactly what I was trying to do with him. To KNOW each other. All of our faults and assets. All of our quirks and fears and to talk about them and know what we can live with and what we can’t and work on getting along the best we could... Like O said, it may be painful or ugly now, but it will make it so worthwhile years down the road... That is what I was thinking. That is what I have always thought. But all of the talking I wanted to do made me over emotional and difficult to deal with and he just couldn't see a “life” where he “had” to keep having conversations like that all of the time... 

The guest pastor (whom i did not care for at ALL. Standard, stereotypical southern baptist yelling preacher.) Told a story he saw on TV of two men, skydiving, who had to jump out over water because of a problem with the airplane. They were stuck in the water, far, far from shore. They tried to swim to shore, but the tide kept pulling them out. They saw a log floating by, and thought they were saved. They were so excited, and grabbed onto the log and floated on it.  They finally rested, and fell asleep, knowing that they could count on the log to wash up on shore with them... When they woke up, they were so far out to sea that they could barely see land. They let go of the log and tried to swim, but got tired and were afraid they wouldn’t make it, so they swam back to the log... After a while, it took them so far out to sea that they couldn't even see land any more... They realized that their only chance to live was to leave the log behind, and try to swim toward land... After several hours, a fishing boat came by, and they were saved... 

His point was that people sometimes cling to things that they think will save them, but actually are just making their situation worse. Sometimes you have to be brave, and let go of those things, and set out into the unknown in order to be saved... 

I never thought that I was looking for him to “save” me. But I did think that he was my future. I was looking for a happily ever after. Not a perfect one- I was excited about the idea that it would, in fact, be hard. That there would be challenges and difficulties and hard times. But I was excited that we would have learned from our mistakes before, and that we would be there for each other no matter what, and we would get through all of the hard times, together, and we would be one of those great couples who grow old together... 

While it is easy for me to see the ways that he was like that log for me- pulling me further and further away from where I should be- it is hard for me to see how I was that for him... I know I wasn’t perfect, and I know I am emotional... But I felt like I gave him more love than anyone in his life ever had before. More support and acceptance and admiration... I don’t know what about me made his life worse. But I guess there must be something, or he wouldn’t have left. Maybe, as the year goes by, I will be able to see more what about me made him so miserable and how I was only making things worse for him...