Wasted time

At my meeting this week, something really unusual happened…

Two woman who have always been pillars of strength, as far as I can see- who are always happy and together and open minded and completely loving- the only 2 women I have ever considered asking to be my sponsor, because they are truly the people I want to be someday- both cried at the meeting.

One of them had her mother-in-law die that morning. She was sad for her husband, and stressing about how to project the serenity she has found in the program while she is around his family- people who are not in any kind of recovery at all and may be difficult to be around…

The other said something that I was shocked to hear her say, but it really, really hit home for me…

She said that she has been feeling very down lately- thinking of all of the changes she has made- all the recovery and how much she has learned- and mourning the fact that she didn’t learn it earlier… Sad about all of the time she wasted in her life doing things wrong, and how much better of a life she could have lived and the relationships she could have saved if she had known this stuff earlier…

I have been feeling just that way lately… All of the things I have learned in just the last 2 months alone- what good does it do now? I have already screwed up my kids- they are almost grown and gone. And my relationship with him is ruined already. Things may have been so different if I had known these things and made these changes earlier- but it’s too late now… Sure, you could say that this will make me a better person and a better partner when I get involved with someone else… Except that I don’t want someone else. The idea that I am becoming a better person so that I can be a great partner to some other guy does not make me feel better. It just makes me feel sick.