Marble 16

Christmas Week 

2 days off, three days working double shifts. No kids. Lots of time to sit around alone and feel sorry for myself... 

I started trying to get out of it... I went to meeting on Thursday night, and heard some really great things... I went to several more after that... I keep forgetting how much they help. 

Meetings

I started going to meetings again. I don't know why I stopped. I guess I really thought that all I needed was to get out of the house and start working and feeling productive, and then I would be so much better... Plus I am so tired after work, I don't want to leave the house again once I get home...

But after yesterday, I realized that I had to do something, and if I sat at home alone and had nothing to do but think about all of this, I would go mad. So I went.

I really wish that I could remember how important it is to keep going, even when things seem OK... Just one hour in the rooms, 2 nights in a row, have made such a difference...

A few things that I heard or thought during these last 2 meetings:


* I already established a long time ago that my biggest problem was "people pleasing"... This has not changed, regardless of time alone.  I desperately need to be loved- I am upset only because I'm not. I have been rejected again. I have to focus on the truth and not just the bare feelings.

I had a realization- this people pleasing- changing myself, doing things for others, giving gifts, posting on Facebook- is all to get others to love me the way I want to be loved. This is all about self esteem. Completely. I wanted him because I wanted him to want me. I couldn't stand that he was thinking that I wasn't good enough or right for him. I had to make it happen. All the while I always knew that I didn't really want him or that life.

* A lot of people talked about how hard the holidays are. They talked about feeling envious of other peoples perfect lives and Norman Rockwell holidays when our are so messed up... Someone pointed out that just because they look happy doesn't mean they are. I probably look very happy from the outside... We are comparing our insides to other peoples outsides.

* One fellow said that he had been spending a lot of time lately in self-intorspection, and he was "Unpacking my suitcase and seeing what I still wear and what I should give away". I liked that.

* As I sat there, I realized that I never really have to feel alone. There is a meeting every single night. If I want, I can have somewhere to go and have plans for every single day of my life. I never have to spend an evening all alone and miserable- not if I don't want to. Not if I get my ass up and out of the house and do something.

* I have been looking for unconditional love. It's all I asked him for. It is hard to feel the same about it, but I realize that God's love is unconditional. And the love in the meeting rooms- that is unconditional. Completely.

* Talking. Just talking to a few people made such a difference and I felt so much better. I need to talk to work through information. That isn't wrong, it is just who I am. I need to embrace my reality and not think it is wrong because other people are different. I need to realize what about me I DO need to change, and change it. But not everyting about me is wrong.

* One man who works in theatre noted that being involved in the stage is perfect for my kind of personality- a constant need for approval- applause, praise and admiration- and a feeling that you control it- if you work hard enough you can get good enough that people will give you the love and praise that you desire. Not that it is healthy- just that it is a logical place for someone like me- and him- to wind up. :)

Marble 15

This was my 15th marble. My 15th week alone.... I took the picture on December 22... But I'm not actually posting it until June 18th... 

I left Christmas gifts for T and the girls in the beginning of December. it started a short exchange of emails between us. I was hoping it would. After so many months, I was certain that we had grown and moved on from the painful things that had caused our problems. I wasn't expecting to hear that he had moved on and had started seeing someone else only weeks after he left me. 

I was devastated.. Not so much because he and I wouldn't be getting back together, but by the fact that he had moved on so quickly. My self esteem was already so low- to know that I was SO easy to get over... That he hadn't even struggled, or thought about trying again or anything... He just left and actually, literally never looked back. My heart was broken. I really was completely unlovable and ugly and useless. 

Against my better judgement, I wrote him one last letter. I asked him to think about all we had shared. All we knew about each other and all the plans we had... I told him that if he was SURE that this new woman was 'the one', then, fine- don't answer me at all. I don't want to hear about it. But if there was even a tiny, small part of him that thought he might be making a mistake, then please to just have lunch with me, and let us have a chance to get to know each other again. 

I decided to give him a week to answer. Christmas was coming, and he had company in town. I decided that if he didn't answer in a week, I would assume he was completely done with me, and I would unfriend him and his friends on Facebook, and give up for real and completely. 

When I took this picture, I was waiting. It was all I could think about, all day, every day. Waiting and hoping that he would write. Thinking about how different I was, and how much I wanted to show him that I wasn't the needy, emotional mess I had been when he left... 

I wanted to take a picture that would help me remember what had been going on. I saw the girraffe in Audre's room and decided that would definetly make me remember. 

It was two days after Christmas, 2 days before I had planned to give up and unfriend everyone, so that I wouldn't have to be forced to watch him move on with his life and see him happy with someone else... I had already written a lettter to him- a very kind, loving letter that said that all I ever really wanted was for him to feel loved and be happy, and obviously he was... I was on my way into a meeting at work, when I got an alert on my phone... "T is in a relationship with J.D."... 

In all the time we were together, he wouldn't even post a pic of me on his page... He wouldn't change his relationship status.... He wouldn't even take off that he was married to her, even after he had moved out and we were dating... It was impossible to not take it as a purposeful  deliberate slap in the face... I wrote him an angry note, attached the nice note, and then unfriended him and everyone that I had met through him, so that I wouldn't have to see it anymore. 

I had just begun 21 days of being all alone... I only worked, and spent evenings with my cats... 

However, only a few days later, things happened that set a whole string of events in motion that changed everything... 

tired

I'm so tired of seeing Facebook posts of people talking about how wonderful their husband is, or saying beautiful things about their marriage on their anniversary, or photos of them spending time together...

I'm tired of people in love on TV shows. I'm tired of characters realizing how they really feel and deciding not to waste another moment and professing their love... 

I'm tired of being surrounded by happy couples and enduring marriages and people atwitter with new love. 

Mosaic

I got W a small Christmas gift. Just some peanut butter and jelly and fig newtons.... Just some things that seemed funny that we had talked about. He made me a sandwich once, and he eats fig newtons for lunch everyday. It wasn't any big deal.  

He texted and told me that my gift was "arriving" Thursday. He met the girls and I for dinner after L's show on Wednesday night to bring us the fudge he made for us, and then he met us again tonight night to bring my gift... 

I was a mosaic cross. He enclosed a card with the words from that text message on it.  It was a beautiful gift. Perhaps the most meaningful gift I have ever received. The girls just looked at me with these faces that said, "MARRY HIM" whenever he wasn't looking. They feel awkward around him, but they like him A LOT. I think only because he is so kind to me and they want to see me with someone who treats me like I am special... 

How many times

I tried to leave the service early. They started all those happy Christmas songs, and I couldn't help but think that I'm going to be all alone- completely alone- from Christmas day until the middle of January. The tears started rolling down my face and I couldn't stop them... 

I tried to leave, but I ran into W. I never did find out what happened to him last night, so we sat down in a room and he told me about it. A friend was threatening suicide. He jumped in his car and drove 2 hours to their house. He cried while he said that he didn't understand why they called HIM. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. He was scared and sad and has obviously never felt suicidal, because he just couldn't understand the feeling of wanting to end it all... He cried and he talked, and when I finally left, my heart was heavy for myself and for him. I walked to the car, praying in my head, "God, please give me peace. Give W peace. PLEASE just take away this pain. PLEASE just let me move on and do the things I am supposed to do. Please..." 

I turned on the car, and this song came on the radio... 

Well, everybody's got a story to tell

And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

So, I guess you're tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

I need you now

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"

Beautiful

Some months ago, I asked God to use the radio to give me signs if he wanted me to know something. I listen to a christian radio station, and so many times, the song that they play the moment I get in the car seems to be exactly what I need to hear. I truly believe that God uses the music to talk to me sometimes... 

I asked God once to give me a sign about T. I asked him to play a song that told me what I should do... The first song that played was "All Of Me"... I cried and yelled out to Him that I HAD given him all of me! All that I could! I had given him all of my love and trust and support as best as I knew how. I read articles on "how to pray for your husband" and how to be a better partner and how to show love in little ways every day to your spouse... I wanted to be a woman/wife/partner like in Proverbs 31. I gave all I had and I looked past anything about him that was less than perfect, because I knew that we would both learn and change, and I knew that it was his differences that made me fall in love with him in the first place... I wasn't going to make the same mistakes I made last time. I was going to give him every last bit of love I had...  I had DONE that. I had GIVEN. He didn't want it. He rejected it. I yelled at God to stop playing that damned song! I TRIED that and it did nothing but hurt me... 

The next song that came on was called "Forgiveness." 

I knew I could forgive him. I already had. I loved him so much, I forgave things before he ever did them. I knew there was nothing he could do that would make me love him less. Everyone makes mistakes... I thought maybe the song was talking about the others. The ladies and the pastor from the old church... I thought about that a lot... 

Last night, I kept saying the same prayer over and over. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to think. Or how to feel. I just knew that my chest felt like someone was standing on it, and I couldn't breathe. I kept praying, "God, give me peace." Over and over and over again. I kept thinking it in my head, begging Him to take the pain away, just enough that I could sleep... But it didn't work. The pain stayed... I did what my doctor told me to, and I took half a xanax. I never take half, because it seems too much for me. But I did, and it didn't help. It was like I didn't take anything at all. The pain stayed, the panic stayed... I laid there all night. For three months, all I could think of was trying again with him. Hoping that he would see that we could work if we wanted to. Thinking about his eyes and his face and his hands, and feeling like I could never, ever love anyone else, ever again.... And realizing that after only a few weeks, (WEEKS) he was able to start dating again. All those things he said- just lies? I just wasn't pretty enough or good enough. I have never felt so unloved. 

So this morning, on my way to church, I was trying not to cry. I felt dazed and wounded. I couldn't think or even really see out the windscreen. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and my mind was muddled... I got in the car, and I prayed to God to tell me something I needed to know to make all of this better. And he said, 

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything 

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart 

They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight 

Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves...

Enough to die!!!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

In His eyes

You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured

You are sacred

You are His

Beautiful (Mercy Me) 

Marble 14

I feel like I did nothing but work this week. Double shifts most days, and I'm ready to knock my boss' block off. I'm glad it's the weekend. 

Hannukkah was this week. Every night, I went into the living room and lit the candles, all alone. I sang the blessings and sang some songs. I sat and watched the lights. I would do something non-work related while the candles were lit, like wrap gifts. 

There wasn't any one big thing that stands out about this week- Hanukkah was the one thing that tied it all together. 

A note from W

I was almost asleep when I received one last text from W. He wrote: 

Have you ever looked at a mosaic closely? Most are made from misc. broken shards. Some people sweep up broken shards and discard them. An artist, on the other hand, sees the beauty that is to be. God is the ultimate artist. He can take your brokenness and make something incredible, something unique, something beautiful. Don't ever discount your brokenness as something of little or no value. You are valuable. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are God's mosaic. 

Friend

So... An interesting day. 

I wrote to T about noon and asked him to at least let me know that he got the gifts so I could stop wondering if they were destroyed by the rain. I just wanted to know if they made it into the house. 

He wrote back and said that he got them and they were fine, but that he was conflicted about them and didn't want to accept gifts from me, so he didn't know what to say about it. He also said, 'I don't hate you at all.  Please don't think that."  Then he said that he "didn't feel right" accepting the gifts... 

He doesn't want to accept gifts? I'm not supposed to even give gifts to his girls any more? He breaks up with me and the kids have to lose an adult who loved them, too? He once said we would always be friends- but now he's uncomfortable accepting Christmas gifts for his kids? 

I wrote back and told him that it really wasn't that much stuff- I just wrapped it in 12 days of packages so it looked like a lot...  the majority of it is for the kids to open. There are only 2 things, I think, for him. And they were both things I already had before he left. 

I told him that he was free to open the gifts from me now and then throw them away if he likes. But that I don't want the children thinking that I stopped loving them just becuase he stopped loving me. 

~~

On the way to work, I started thinking about W. I thought about some of the things he has said, and things we talked about, and how nice it is to just have someone to text in the evening when I am all alone... 

I wrote to W. It was an awkward letter, but I thought it was important to get it all out in the open and make sure that we were still on the same page, just in case. I told him what the girls said about texting and talking to him, and how they thought I was sending mixed signals. I told him that I really, really like being friends with him, and that I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

He wrote back that he has been single his entire life, and had many female friends that he did not date, and that everything was fine. He said that he valued my friendship and that we would not let it get ruined. 

I felt bad for maybe embarasing him, but I am glad that I can feel free to be friendly around him now and not be worried that I am being inappropriate. 

I was late to the Church dinner. He saved me a seat. I came right in and sat down next to him and started talking about stuff. When I got my drink, I got one for him, too. About halfway through the dinner, I realized that the man sitting next to me assumed that we were married. That was odd. 

After dinner we said goodnight to each other and promised to text later about the song game. I got home and did some stuff and when he texted, I started trying to figure out the clues, but I just couldn't get it. He said that I was so close to the right answer that I was practically saying it. I said that his clues were vuage. He told me to call him, and he would explain... 

I hesitated, and then finally just wrote that I had a phobia of the telephone, and that I did not make calls- I only text. But he didn't see it in time, or didn't believe me, and he called. I was holding the phone and when it rang, i jumped and just hit dismiss immedietly. 

I texted him right away and told him that I wasn't kidding- I can't talk on the phone. I apologized profusely... He told me not to apologize- that everyone has fears. But i don't know- something happened. I had a full blown, painful, frightening panic attack... I have had things that I would call a panic attack before, but THIS was what people are talking about. My heart was pounding and the pain in my chest scared me. I couldn't breathe and started crying and coudn't stop and kept holding my chest, thinking I might have a heart attack, it hurt so bad. I couldn't make it stop. I told him that I was 'sort of freaking out' and kept apologizing for being a freak. He insisted that I was not a freak. I told him it was ok, he didn't have to be nice, I knew I was broken. I told him that was why T broke up with me. Not because of the phone thing, but because of the broken thing... 

He said,  "Aren't we all broken? If not, then we wouldn't need a Saviour." 

I thought about that for a while. And then, to my absolute amazement, I saw myself type, "There is a restaurant called ** over on ** street... Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" 

He answered, "If it will help make you feel better, I can be there in 10 minutes." 

I put my street clothes back on and jumped in the car and met him there at 11pm. We had water and tea. We talked about music, and I solved the riddle. He showed me the funniest YouTube video I have ever seen. We talked about nothing of consequence. Once, out of the blue, he said, "I am sorry that you feel broken." I told him it was a new development, only since I moved here. But that I was getting better. 

I apologized again for the phone thing, and he insisted that it was the same as his fear of heights. I'm not sure about that, because a fear of heights holds at least some logic. Fear of telephones does not... 

I realized, while we were talking, that I was not panicking earlier because he called. I was panicking because i TOLD him why I didn't answer. I couldn't believe that I told him that. But at the moment, I felt free to be honest, because I didn't need to impress him... So I felt like I could just be honest. But once I said it and it was out there it seemed so stupid and humiliating... And then I admitted that T left because I was not my best me yet... He left because I was broken. 

It was not nearly as awkward as I thought going somewhere alone with him would be. It was actually quite nice, and he allowed me to talk almost a full half of the time. It was a really nice hour. 

I am not interested in a romantic relationship. And since I know that he knows that, and it's all out in the open, I feel very safe talking to him and being friendly. He is a good friend. I needed someone, and he dropped everything at a moments notice and met me. That was really incredible. 

I got home, and was about to text him to say I made it, when I got a text from him first that said, 

"I'm home. Good night, friend." 

Marble 13

This week has been all about performing. I have had either a rehearsal or a performance every single night since last Friday night. Dressed rehearsals and Tech rehearsals Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and then a performance at the Coliseum Thursday night, then the church show Friday, Saturday and tomorrow. Whew. I have been asking other people at work to do the activities for me so that I could save my voice. Assuming that I make it through tomorrows performance, this will be the first year EVER that I have made it through the Christmas performance season without getting the flu, laryngitis, bronchitis, or scratching my voice so badly from over singing that I was just a nervous wreck the entire time. I have managed to not get sick, and the things I have learned in Voice have been invaluable. I have managed to not over sing, and use what I have learned to sing as loud as I want without scratching my throat. 

So this week, my marble is on my music books- Even though I have been busy at work and having a great time all week, the only thing I have really been thinking about has been saving my voice so I could make it through the performances. Only one more to go!! 

Marble 12

This week I made a pretty big purchase. Big for me, anyway. I have been thinking about it for a while now, and finally decided to do it. 

I decided that for the next year, I am dating myself. I am engaged to myself. Married to my quest to find out as much about myself as I can and become the me that I really want to be. Nuns wear wedding bands to show their commitment to God. I decided to wear a ring on my left hand for the same reason. (Also, there is always the added benifit that it will deter men who don't know me from asking me out. :) 

So, I bought a ring. A diamond and sapphire band to wear on my left hand. I got the idea when I saw a ring at Costco and loved it immediately.  I went back there after I decided to get it, but they didn't have my size. I spent a whole day at the mall, going from store to store, looking at jewelry. I actually had an idea of one ring in my mind- the one I saw at Costco- but then I saw this ring (the one in the picture with the marble) in the costume jewelry section at Belks. I tried it on and I really liked the way it looked. I liked the channel set stones. It was only 8 bucks, and it is CZ, but I got it anyway, just for fun and to see how I felt wearing a ring on that hand.  I wore it for a day, and then ordered my real ring the next day. 

When I see it on my hand, it reminds me:

• to be and act like the person I am committed to being. 
• that I am OK by myself and I don't need to belong to someone else to be of worth.
• that God renews all things, even me, and I am not defined by my past mistakes.
• that my commitment is to God, and not to man, and if I would be proud for God to see me the way I am or a way I am behaving, then it is good enough, and it doesn't matter what people think of it. 

I also keep thinking of the song lyric, "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it..." 

He didn't like it. He didn't want it. But I do. I like me. I really do. I always have. There are parts I would like to improve, but all in all, I have always liked the way I am. If he doesn't, that is his own problem. I don't need someone else to "put a ring on it". I did it myself.