Devotional

I forgot to mention before- the other really bizarre, cool thing about all of my discussions with S today- 

My Proverbs 31 devotional this morning was on 'manipulating'. 

The woman talked about how good she was at manipulating things to go the way she wanted. She explained how hard it was to not try to make things happen the way that SHE wanted to, instead of waiting to see what God had in store for the situation. We talk about that in Al-Anon, too- about trying to tell God what he should be doing- trying to take over our Higher Power's job. 

Once again, I amazed at how relevant the Proverbs 31 devotional is to my daily life. Not only do I feel like God is talking right to me in each of these e-mails- since every topic seems to have been tailor made for me and my life situation- but I also realize that these women struggle with the exact same issues that I do. They get emotional, they get frustrated, the try to control things, and they lose it sometimes. I am not the only person in the world who does these things, no matter what he would like to think. Maybe I am different from his mother and his ex-wife, but I am not some crazy, emotionally erratic psycho woman. I am just like everyone else. I have the same fears and struggles and challenges. The difference between me and some people is that I am aware of it, and I am trying to be my absolute best self- without giving up who I am in the process. He was the one who decided I wasn't good enough or getting better fast enough. I am proud of who I am. I am not proud of who I was, but that is the past. If God could redeem King David, and use him for great good, and he can go down in Bible history as one of God's most loved people, then certainly *I* can be redeemed and serve the world for good. I have made mistakes, but none as huge as King David did. Likewise, if Dr. D can overcome the challenges in her life to become who she is today, then so can I. 

I like who I am right now. I like what I am doing, who I associate with and for the most part how I act. What made me miserable was trying to be someone that HE liked. Never feeling good enough and constantly anxious that I wasn't living up to whatever unspoken conditions he had. I shouldn't have tried so hard to make myself what I thought he wanted. I lost myself in the process and became sad and miserable because of it, which he hated. Ironic. The truth is, if he liked me, then he would have liked me... If he didn't like who I was, then there was no point to it any way. I should have stayed true to myself. I should have been doing that for the last 20 years. At least I have figured it out now.