Good Day

Stayed in bed too long again. Interestingly enough, today was a speaker meeting, and * shared. She talked a lot about not being able to get out of bed. About how her feelings and anxiety and memories kept her locked to the bed and unable to get up unless she had to go to work. Amazing. I am constantly thinking that I am so different and so much worse than everyone else (Some people would certainly like me to believe that). But I am suffering from a case of “terminal uniqueness”, as * calls it. I am not that different. I am not that bad. And if other people got better and can be the kind of people they always wanted to be, then I can, too. I was always sure that I could. But some people try to make me feel like I am so bad and so out of control and so unreasonable that I am unworthy and unfixable. They are wrong. 

Seriously, I am in a ridiculously good mood right now. I went from no job prospects to three. I was trying to hold the first one off without turning it down, because the other 2 seemed better- but no promise I would get them. I got an email from the first one, asking for info for a background check. I waited 2 days to answer it, and when they called, told them it was in my junk mail folder, but that I had now filled it out. The interview today was for a temporary full time job- just between now and Christmas. It would have been fun and easy- receptionist- and it probably paid better than minimum wage (although I don’t know that- we never got to that point). But it was only temporary and I would have to start all of this again in December. But an hour before the interview, she called and said that their policy gives first choice of jobs to people already within the company, and that someone had just expressed interest in the job, so they had to cancel the interview. She was so kind and apologetic... I am really feeling like this is God getting rid of things one at a time, until the path I am supposed to take is obvious. The interview tomorrow is for a job that I did before I had the kids. Something that I was really good at, and something I can be proud of. I am feeling good about the interview, and hopeful that I will be offered the job. If not, then the job at the bookstore is waiting for me- even if it only pays minimum wage... 

I have Trunk-Or-Treat tomorrow and still have NO idea what to do with my car. None. I keep thinking of something spacey or Doctor Who-ish, but I don’t know what to do with the car... Or I could make giant teeth and eyeballs to go on the car, but then what do *I* wear? I need an idea. 

Right now I am going to carve a pumpkin to take and put in my trunk, and watch my show from last night on Hulu. Things are good today. 

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I started looking up activities calendars from a few places to see what the field looks like today... I am saddened that it still looks very much the same. Although I can see a lot of the changes I championed back in the day. I wound up doing a lot of research. I listed possible actives, I researched what ages residents would be today and when they would have been born and lived through their most defining years. I did a quick history review of each decade since the 20s. I wrote it all in a document to have ready for the interview, just in case. 

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Something weird happened. I have been in SUCH a good mood all day. Really. I would have told you that nothing could have gotten me down. My costume is done and I am psyched. The house is clean and I am ready for tomorrow.... 

I was looking through facebook, when I noticed that his cousin had posted something on his page... They are all getting together at Christmas at his Grandma’s house.... And my stomach just tied in a knot and I felt like I was going to throw up. I don’t even know why. I just thought- he is going to be with family. I will be alone. Completely alone. He is making plans to go have fun and see people- people he would never introduce me to as his girlfriend and take me to spend time with... Of course, I am going out and trying to do things and have fun every day. I am trying my best... But knowing that he was- it knocked the wind out of me. And I just couldn’t get it back. I was in a funk the last 2 hours. Although, the closer I got to bedtime, and the more I researched for the interview, the more anxious I became, so I think part of it might just be anxiety about tomorrow and it is a coincidence that I read that just then... Although, I definitely was hurt to read about the great plans he has with his big family, while I will be here completely alone- my family too far away or sick to visit, and the girls with their dad... 

Time for bed and then I am hoping, a fantastic day tomorrow.