Meetings

I started going to meetings again. I don't know why I stopped. I guess I really thought that all I needed was to get out of the house and start working and feeling productive, and then I would be so much better... Plus I am so tired after work, I don't want to leave the house again once I get home...

But after yesterday, I realized that I had to do something, and if I sat at home alone and had nothing to do but think about all of this, I would go mad. So I went.

I really wish that I could remember how important it is to keep going, even when things seem OK... Just one hour in the rooms, 2 nights in a row, have made such a difference...

A few things that I heard or thought during these last 2 meetings:


* I already established a long time ago that my biggest problem was "people pleasing"... This has not changed, regardless of time alone.  I desperately need to be loved- I am upset only because I'm not. I have been rejected again. I have to focus on the truth and not just the bare feelings.

I had a realization- this people pleasing- changing myself, doing things for others, giving gifts, posting on Facebook- is all to get others to love me the way I want to be loved. This is all about self esteem. Completely. I wanted him because I wanted him to want me. I couldn't stand that he was thinking that I wasn't good enough or right for him. I had to make it happen. All the while I always knew that I didn't really want him or that life.

* A lot of people talked about how hard the holidays are. They talked about feeling envious of other peoples perfect lives and Norman Rockwell holidays when our are so messed up... Someone pointed out that just because they look happy doesn't mean they are. I probably look very happy from the outside... We are comparing our insides to other peoples outsides.

* One fellow said that he had been spending a lot of time lately in self-intorspection, and he was "Unpacking my suitcase and seeing what I still wear and what I should give away". I liked that.

* As I sat there, I realized that I never really have to feel alone. There is a meeting every single night. If I want, I can have somewhere to go and have plans for every single day of my life. I never have to spend an evening all alone and miserable- not if I don't want to. Not if I get my ass up and out of the house and do something.

* I have been looking for unconditional love. It's all I asked him for. It is hard to feel the same about it, but I realize that God's love is unconditional. And the love in the meeting rooms- that is unconditional. Completely.

* Talking. Just talking to a few people made such a difference and I felt so much better. I need to talk to work through information. That isn't wrong, it is just who I am. I need to embrace my reality and not think it is wrong because other people are different. I need to realize what about me I DO need to change, and change it. But not everyting about me is wrong.

* One man who works in theatre noted that being involved in the stage is perfect for my kind of personality- a constant need for approval- applause, praise and admiration- and a feeling that you control it- if you work hard enough you can get good enough that people will give you the love and praise that you desire. Not that it is healthy- just that it is a logical place for someone like me- and him- to wind up. :)