Friend

So... An interesting day. 

I wrote to T about noon and asked him to at least let me know that he got the gifts so I could stop wondering if they were destroyed by the rain. I just wanted to know if they made it into the house. 

He wrote back and said that he got them and they were fine, but that he was conflicted about them and didn't want to accept gifts from me, so he didn't know what to say about it. He also said, 'I don't hate you at all.  Please don't think that."  Then he said that he "didn't feel right" accepting the gifts... 

He doesn't want to accept gifts? I'm not supposed to even give gifts to his girls any more? He breaks up with me and the kids have to lose an adult who loved them, too? He once said we would always be friends- but now he's uncomfortable accepting Christmas gifts for his kids? 

I wrote back and told him that it really wasn't that much stuff- I just wrapped it in 12 days of packages so it looked like a lot...  the majority of it is for the kids to open. There are only 2 things, I think, for him. And they were both things I already had before he left. 

I told him that he was free to open the gifts from me now and then throw them away if he likes. But that I don't want the children thinking that I stopped loving them just becuase he stopped loving me. 

~~

On the way to work, I started thinking about W. I thought about some of the things he has said, and things we talked about, and how nice it is to just have someone to text in the evening when I am all alone... 

I wrote to W. It was an awkward letter, but I thought it was important to get it all out in the open and make sure that we were still on the same page, just in case. I told him what the girls said about texting and talking to him, and how they thought I was sending mixed signals. I told him that I really, really like being friends with him, and that I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. 

He wrote back that he has been single his entire life, and had many female friends that he did not date, and that everything was fine. He said that he valued my friendship and that we would not let it get ruined. 

I felt bad for maybe embarasing him, but I am glad that I can feel free to be friendly around him now and not be worried that I am being inappropriate. 

I was late to the Church dinner. He saved me a seat. I came right in and sat down next to him and started talking about stuff. When I got my drink, I got one for him, too. About halfway through the dinner, I realized that the man sitting next to me assumed that we were married. That was odd. 

After dinner we said goodnight to each other and promised to text later about the song game. I got home and did some stuff and when he texted, I started trying to figure out the clues, but I just couldn't get it. He said that I was so close to the right answer that I was practically saying it. I said that his clues were vuage. He told me to call him, and he would explain... 

I hesitated, and then finally just wrote that I had a phobia of the telephone, and that I did not make calls- I only text. But he didn't see it in time, or didn't believe me, and he called. I was holding the phone and when it rang, i jumped and just hit dismiss immedietly. 

I texted him right away and told him that I wasn't kidding- I can't talk on the phone. I apologized profusely... He told me not to apologize- that everyone has fears. But i don't know- something happened. I had a full blown, painful, frightening panic attack... I have had things that I would call a panic attack before, but THIS was what people are talking about. My heart was pounding and the pain in my chest scared me. I couldn't breathe and started crying and coudn't stop and kept holding my chest, thinking I might have a heart attack, it hurt so bad. I couldn't make it stop. I told him that I was 'sort of freaking out' and kept apologizing for being a freak. He insisted that I was not a freak. I told him it was ok, he didn't have to be nice, I knew I was broken. I told him that was why T broke up with me. Not because of the phone thing, but because of the broken thing... 

He said,  "Aren't we all broken? If not, then we wouldn't need a Saviour." 

I thought about that for a while. And then, to my absolute amazement, I saw myself type, "There is a restaurant called ** over on ** street... Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" 

He answered, "If it will help make you feel better, I can be there in 10 minutes." 

I put my street clothes back on and jumped in the car and met him there at 11pm. We had water and tea. We talked about music, and I solved the riddle. He showed me the funniest YouTube video I have ever seen. We talked about nothing of consequence. Once, out of the blue, he said, "I am sorry that you feel broken." I told him it was a new development, only since I moved here. But that I was getting better. 

I apologized again for the phone thing, and he insisted that it was the same as his fear of heights. I'm not sure about that, because a fear of heights holds at least some logic. Fear of telephones does not... 

I realized, while we were talking, that I was not panicking earlier because he called. I was panicking because i TOLD him why I didn't answer. I couldn't believe that I told him that. But at the moment, I felt free to be honest, because I didn't need to impress him... So I felt like I could just be honest. But once I said it and it was out there it seemed so stupid and humiliating... And then I admitted that T left because I was not my best me yet... He left because I was broken. 

It was not nearly as awkward as I thought going somewhere alone with him would be. It was actually quite nice, and he allowed me to talk almost a full half of the time. It was a really nice hour. 

I am not interested in a romantic relationship. And since I know that he knows that, and it's all out in the open, I feel very safe talking to him and being friendly. He is a good friend. I needed someone, and he dropped everything at a moments notice and met me. That was really incredible. 

I got home, and was about to text him to say I made it, when I got a text from him first that said, 

"I'm home. Good night, friend."