I asked God once to give me a sign about T. I asked him to play a song that told me what I should do... The first song that played was "All Of Me"... I cried and yelled out to Him that I HAD given him all of me! All that I could! I had given him all of my love and trust and support as best as I knew how. I read articles on "how to pray for your husband" and how to be a better partner and how to show love in little ways every day to your spouse... I wanted to be a woman/wife/partner like in Proverbs 31. I gave all I had and I looked past anything about him that was less than perfect, because I knew that we would both learn and change, and I knew that it was his differences that made me fall in love with him in the first place... I wasn't going to make the same mistakes I made last time. I was going to give him every last bit of love I had... I had DONE that. I had GIVEN. He didn't want it. He rejected it. I yelled at God to stop playing that damned song! I TRIED that and it did nothing but hurt me...
The next song that came on was called "Forgiveness."
I knew I could forgive him. I already had. I loved him so much, I forgave things before he ever did them. I knew there was nothing he could do that would make me love him less. Everyone makes mistakes... I thought maybe the song was talking about the others. The ladies and the pastor from the old church... I thought about that a lot...
Last night, I kept saying the same prayer over and over. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to think. Or how to feel. I just knew that my chest felt like someone was standing on it, and I couldn't breathe. I kept praying, "God, give me peace." Over and over and over again. I kept thinking it in my head, begging Him to take the pain away, just enough that I could sleep... But it didn't work. The pain stayed... I did what my doctor told me to, and I took half a xanax. I never take half, because it seems too much for me. But I did, and it didn't help. It was like I didn't take anything at all. The pain stayed, the panic stayed... I laid there all night. For three months, all I could think of was trying again with him. Hoping that he would see that we could work if we wanted to. Thinking about his eyes and his face and his hands, and feeling like I could never, ever love anyone else, ever again.... And realizing that after only a few weeks, (WEEKS) he was able to start dating again. All those things he said- just lies? I just wasn't pretty enough or good enough. I have never felt so unloved.
So this morning, on my way to church, I was trying not to cry. I felt dazed and wounded. I couldn't think or even really see out the windscreen. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and my mind was muddled... I got in the car, and I prayed to God to tell me something I needed to know to make all of this better. And he said,
Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful
Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves...
Enough to die!!!
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His
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