People Pleasing

Most human beings have an instinctive need to fit in. The  urge to belong, to keep the peace, helps us to get along with others and be a part of society. This instinct has allowed many civilizations to survive, and  is not harmful unless I lose my sense of balance. 

People-pleasing becomes destructive when  I  ignore my own needs and continually sacrifice my well-being for the sake of others. Al-Anon helps me find a compromise that allows me to respond to my feelings, including my desire to belong, and still take care of myself.
The  best way to  maintain  this  balance is to  build my self-esteem. When I treat myself with kindness and respect, I become better able to get along with others. 

Today's Reminder
I will appreciate that all of my instincts and feelings exist for a reason. Today, instead of trying to banish these feelings, I will strive to find a balance. 

"If l am not for myself, who will be for me? And if l am only for myself, what am I? And if not now-when?"
Hillel

People Pleasing... I have heard the phrase in meetings many times. I have heard people talk about it. While I understood what they were talking about, and could recognize myself a little in the things they said, I didn’t really identify with it. It wasn’t really a problem I had... I wanted people to be happy, but it wasn’t a character defect. It wasn’t causing problems... 

A lot of people in Al-Anon say that they learn to be thankful for the alcoholic, because if it wasn’t for them, then they wouldn’t have found the rooms... Although it always seemed to me that if they hadn’t lived with the alcoholic, they would’t have had needed the rooms in the first place...  But suddenly, I can see a little of what they mean... If it wasn’t for my boyfriend leaving me, and leaving me when he did, after that particular fight, I may not have had the revelation about myself that I had. 

I just wanted everyone to be happy. I wanted to find a restaurant that everyone would be happy with. Fun enough for the kids, food everyone liked, not crowded, and close enough to his house so that he wouldn’t be out too late... The first place was too crowded, so I had to call my kids and try to figure out a second choice. No one could agree. I tried to make everyone happy, and no one was. I got frustrated. He got mad at me. I got mad at him. The evening went to hell. I asked him why he was mad at ME- what did I do other than try to help? Things escalated. I was mad at him for not being more understanding. He told me that I hold on to things and I am too emotional and I just need to let things go and get over it already...  And then he left. And he never called again. That was just it, basically. He didn’t want me anymore after that. It wasn’t even the most upset or emotional I have every been around him. I was just mad and frustrated. But it was too much for him, and he left. 

I keep thinking back on it, and trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong to make him that mad. I mean, before we fought. He was mad at me before we ever got to the parking lot. I kept thinking,  “I was just trying to make everyone happy.” I heard myself saying that over and over again. And I realized, that is what I am always trying to do. I am always trying to make everyone else happy- making myself the martyr in every situation, and thinking that surely, someone who loves me will see the sacrifices I am making for everyone else, and how much I must love them to do that, and appreciate it. I keep thinking that someone who loves me will say, “Oh, she is putting herself out to make others happy- I can’t let her do that. I want HER to be happy. “  

Like, I hate sitting outside at the restaurant, because people smoke out there. I have asthma, and it hurts to sit near the smokers. I have told people this a number of times. But when the weather is nice, everyone wants to sit outside. I don’t fight it. I might say once that I would prefer inside, but then everyone else says, oh, but it’s so nice outside, we want to sit on the patio!... So I don’t argue. I want them to be happy, so I go outside. And I am uncomfortable the whole time. I keep thinking that someday, someone is going to say, “She always sits outside with us- we should sit inside so that the smoke doesn’t bother her...” But they never do. I allow them to sit outside, so they do. No one argues that I shouldn’t put myself out. And no one thinks that I should have a turn to be put first.... And I start to resent it.  I start to get more and more resentful, and then eventually, I will do something nice for someone- clean their room, buy them a treat, plan something nice- and they won’t appreciate it, or they’ll complain about it, and I will explode. I will be furious and hurt and inconsolable, because I do SO much to make everyone else happy- always thinking of them first, always putting off things I want to do or giving up the things I want- and no one even notices or says thank you... I guess that they have no idea I have been doing this, so when I get upset it looks like I am losing my shit out of the clear blue for no reason whatsoever... 

And there are times when I know that people take advantage of the fact that I will always put others first. They know that if they tell me they really want something or to do something, that I will feel bad for not doing it, and will say OK.  Even though he knew how uncomfortable I was with him staying over night here, he would still ask and drop hints about how far it was to have to drive home and how late it was, and how he only stayed this late for me ... etc... I would wind up giving in, because I wanted to make him happy. But then I would sleep fitfully and feel bad the next day. I always thought that if he respected me or loved me that he wouldn’t want to do something that he knew would bother me. But every one will take what they can get. If they know I will do it, then they will ask for it. Every single person. No one cares what I give or what it takes from me to give it. 

That is what happened to my marriage. If I had to look back and choose the one thing that destroyed everything, I would have to say this is it. Yes, there was the fact that he was an alcoholic and a sex addict. But I allowed those things to continue. I enabled him to keep getting deeper and deeper into it because I wanted him to be happy. 

I didn’t want to go along with things he wanted to do. I told him that from the beginning. I told him over and over and over... But he kept pushing. He would go further and further without asking, knowing that I wouldn’t say no once something was already in motion. I wouldn’t want to embarrass people, or hurt peoples feelings, or embarrass him, or seem like a horrible bitch who rains on other people’s fun... I would go along with things once they were already happening, and I would smile and act like I was having a good time, telling myself this would be the last time. I would tell myself that I would talk to him about it afterward and he would understand and he wouldn’t ask me to be part of things like tis any more, because he loved me and didn’t want me to be hurt.... When I told him that, he would agree and say- no more. But then suddenly it was going on again. And again, I wouldn’t say no. 

I grew more and more resentful of the fact that he only cared about what made him happy and not me. I felt less and less attracted to him- disgusted by the things he did and emotionally distanced from him to the point that I couldn't even pretend anymore. 

And when it all came to a head- when the fighting grew to epic proportions, and I tried to tell him the effect his drinking and sexing had on our relationship and how much they hurt me, he didn’t believe me. He argued back. He said I had always agreed. He said I had been right there with him, enjoying it and that I never objected... He didn’t remember all the times I had told  him how much I wanted things to stop. He only remembered that once he tried to start something, I didn’t say no. I allowed things to happen, therefore I must have been OK with it. He insisted that if those things had anything to do with our demise then it was just as much my fault as his, because I wanted to do them as much as he did... I have to think that somewhere deep inside, he remembers all the times I asked him to stop. All the fights over the years about the drinking. The times I threw the wine bottles out the front door... The tears when I told him that the lifestyle he wanted was hurting me and keeping me away from church because I felt so wrong and dirty and unworthy as long as I was any part of what was going on... 

Once- before therapy, before Al-Anon- he asked me what was MY fault. He said I kept saying that it was both of our faults, but that he only seemed to hear anyone talking about what he did wrong. He said, “If you truly think that this is a 2 way street, then what is your fault? What did you do wrong?” ... I knew what I was trying to say. I knew what I meant. But when I said, “I should have said ‘no’.”- he took that as just a round-about way to blame him for everything... 

But I meant it. And I understand it a lot more now. I wanted him to be happy so badly- I didn’t want to deal with a moment of unhappiness or discomfort or embarrassment... So I always just went along with whatever was going on. I always played the martyr, and pretended like I was OK with whatever was happening. 

I still think that part of love is sometimes doing things you don’t want to do in order to make the other person happy... And to a certain extent, I still think that you should be able to count on someone who loves you to want the best for you and to not ask you to do things that they know you don’t want to do. But after so many years, he had proven that he was not going to do that. I knew that he would push his agenda whenever he could. I knew that if he got an inch, he would take a mile... But I still didn’t say no. I still didn’t stand up for myself. I sat around and got sad and hurt and resentful because he didn’t look out for my best interests, when I knew that he wasn’t going to. 

That is what I did wrong. That was my fault. 

I’m not sure what to do now that I have realized this... I remember when my father left my mother. She suddenly became a new person. She stopped saying ‘yes’ to every single damned thing someone asked her to do. She started thinking of herself first and taking care of herself. That was  a good thing, I know. But she came across as a bitch (to me at least) doing it. She didn’t say ‘no’ nicely. She was just all, “No. I don’t have to give you a reason or apologize for saying no. Just NO. Go away”.. And maybe that wasn’t bad, either, but it was so abrupt, and she wasn’t the woman I had known anymore. She hurt my feelings numerous times with her new found self awareness... I don’t want to do that. I think that putting others first is good. I think it is good to be kind and selfless... But others will take advantage of that. People that I love and that I think love me. What do I do about that? What was I supposed to do that night about the restaurants? Just announce that we were going to iHop no matter what anyone else said, because, damn it, that is where I wanted to go, so let’s go? 

How do I balance being strong and not letting people take advantage of me, but still be giving and unselfish, the way I want to be?