Owning it

S seemed super sad today… She kept asking permission to go outside over and over again. I asked her several times if she was ok, and she said yes, she was just having an emotional day… 

After a while, I finally went to her and looked her right in the eye and asked her very seriously if she was OK. She couldn’t answer. I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said no. I hesitated and then said, “Can I give you a hug?” 

She said ok, and put down the mop and let me hug her. I held her tight and rubbed her back.  She took a deep breath, and said, “I’m going to have to go outside again.” That’s when I realized that she kept going outside to cry… 

I told her that was fine, and backed away from her. But instead of going outside, she stared at the floor for a minute, and then said, “I really messed up.” 

I just waited. She said, “I said something I shouldn’t have. I don’t even know why. I love him so much… I don’t even know why I said it. I really messed up… I don’t now why I said it. I guess I just wanted to get a reaction from him. I guess I wanted him to say something or act a certain way.” 

I didn’t ask her what what she said. I paused for a second and then said, “Manipulation.” 

She looked a little shocked- maybe confused, and I explained what I meant. I told her about Al-anon and how we talked about that a lot. That she wasn’t the only person who did it, but at least she recognized that she did. I told her she was ten years ahead of me, at least, so she was ahead of the curve. 

I said, “You get an idea in your head of what you want to happen, or how you want the conversation to go… Maybe you have a whole script in your head. I’ll say this and then he’ll say that… You have something you wish he would say or some feeling you wish he would show, so you think if you say this or do that he will react the way you want. And then when he doesn’t, you are sort of mad at him, and he doesn’t know why. Maybe you don’t either… “ 

She looked shocked that I had gotten into her head, and surprised to realize that what I was talking about was exactly what was going on with her. 

She told me what she had said to him. Something about her son and what he was getting him for Christmas. I said, “Maybe you were looking for him to reassure you that he wants to be a father to your son? That he sees him as his son and not just your kid?” 

She thought about that for a while and said, “Maybe. I don’t know.” 

I told her how I used to do that to T all the time. I told her how he is so reserved and unemotional and undemonstrative, but I am so open and free with my emotions. I told her how often I just wanted so badly to hear him say that he was crazy about me or didn’t want to be without me, or just to feel like he thought I was special. Sometimes, without even realizing I was doing it, I would say something or act a certain way, anticipating a certain response from him. Fishing for compliments. Trying to make him act the way I wanted him to.  But he didn’t. He wasn’t ever going to. 

I said that I finally realized that I either had to accept that he was the way he was, and learn to accept that he wasn’t going to fawn over me or be overtly affectionate or give me compliments, or, if I felt that I couldn’t live without that affirmation from my partner, that I had to let him go and give up. Unfortunately, I realized all of this too late. He was already gone. 

On our way out to our cars a few hours later, I said I hoped she felt better. She said, “I am actually feeling a lot better right now.” 

I thought she had talked to him, but no, he still won’t answer her calls… 

She said, “I made a mistake. I know what I did, and I’m owning it. I messed up, but I learned something about myself, and I kinda feel good about that.” 

I smiled, and told her that I understood exactly what she was saying. That is what the majority of my last three months has been like. 

Then she said, “We’ll see if I still feel the same way tomorrow, when I am spending the day alone…” 

I had to laugh. That is my life, right there. I feel so good about the things I’ve learned, and the progress I’ve made- but then I spend another night alone, and I miss him so much, and I wonder what it was all for.