Doctor

I was talking to my doctor about the possibility of going back on some kind of anti-anxiety medication… We had a very long conversation about my past, my medical history, my family, my circumstances and my attempts to control my anxiety in the past. 

I told him that I stopped taking the medication on my own, quite a long time ago, in an attempt to figure out how much of my anxiety was caused by medical issues, and how much was genuine anxiety, caused by stressors in my life. 

I explained all of the things going on in my life. All of them. I told him about X, and the drinking. About how people didn’t believe that there was anything wrong. I told him about the church and losing my job and why. I told him about the kids and my parents and looking for a job and anything else he asked about. 

I told him that I have stayed off medication until I felt that I had a handle on my personal life- my bills, my finances, my divorce, my job, my issues, working  out every day - and could be sure what was real and what was not. And that now, I truly felt like there was anxiety that was affecting my ability to live normally day by day, that had no reasonable explanation. Anxiety that I woke up with and prevented me from getting out of bed, even when I had nothing to do that day. 

He encouraged me to realize that a chemical imbalance is undoubtedly genetic in my family. My grandfather took prozac every day of his adult life, and my aunt has similar issues. He said that ‘mind over matter’ isn’t going to work in cases like this, no mater what my mother tries to say, and that trying to control it myself will only cause me to feel even worse when I inevitably fail. 

I told him that I am short with people- that I get more upset than I think I should. I said, “You know how your mother used to say, ‘I’ve had it up to here!’ and hold her hand right here?” I said that I feel like I start the day out at almost that line already so that my capacity for dealing with little shit is so low that I lose it way before I should… He understood completely. 

At one point, I told him that I had been dating someone- tried, anyway, but crashed and burned… I told him that the man I had been dating said that I was too emotional. He said that I got too upset about things and couldn’t let things go and that is why he broke up with me.

The doctor made this incredulous face, and said, “With everything you have had going on? Seriously? You would easily score over 500 on the the Holmes and Rahe stress scale. It seems that you have done extremely well under the circumstances. What does he expect?!” 

I tried to back track and say that while it is true that I certainly did have reason to be emotional about things, I did actually think that the ex-boyfriend had a point, and that I probably was too high-strung. 

He looked disgusted. He said, “What do your girls think of this boyfriend?” 

I hesitated, even now reluctant to say anything negative about T… I sighed, “They think he’s an asshole…” 

“I concur.” He stated, very sternly. “Smart girls.”