Good Day

Stayed in bed too long again. Interestingly enough, today was a speaker meeting, and * shared. She talked a lot about not being able to get out of bed. About how her feelings and anxiety and memories kept her locked to the bed and unable to get up unless she had to go to work. Amazing. I am constantly thinking that I am so different and so much worse than everyone else (Some people would certainly like me to believe that). But I am suffering from a case of “terminal uniqueness”, as * calls it. I am not that different. I am not that bad. And if other people got better and can be the kind of people they always wanted to be, then I can, too. I was always sure that I could. But some people try to make me feel like I am so bad and so out of control and so unreasonable that I am unworthy and unfixable. They are wrong. 

Seriously, I am in a ridiculously good mood right now. I went from no job prospects to three. I was trying to hold the first one off without turning it down, because the other 2 seemed better- but no promise I would get them. I got an email from the first one, asking for info for a background check. I waited 2 days to answer it, and when they called, told them it was in my junk mail folder, but that I had now filled it out. The interview today was for a temporary full time job- just between now and Christmas. It would have been fun and easy- receptionist- and it probably paid better than minimum wage (although I don’t know that- we never got to that point). But it was only temporary and I would have to start all of this again in December. But an hour before the interview, she called and said that their policy gives first choice of jobs to people already within the company, and that someone had just expressed interest in the job, so they had to cancel the interview. She was so kind and apologetic... I am really feeling like this is God getting rid of things one at a time, until the path I am supposed to take is obvious. The interview tomorrow is for a job that I did before I had the kids. Something that I was really good at, and something I can be proud of. I am feeling good about the interview, and hopeful that I will be offered the job. If not, then the job at the bookstore is waiting for me- even if it only pays minimum wage... 

I have Trunk-Or-Treat tomorrow and still have NO idea what to do with my car. None. I keep thinking of something spacey or Doctor Who-ish, but I don’t know what to do with the car... Or I could make giant teeth and eyeballs to go on the car, but then what do *I* wear? I need an idea. 

Right now I am going to carve a pumpkin to take and put in my trunk, and watch my show from last night on Hulu. Things are good today. 

~~~

I started looking up activities calendars from a few places to see what the field looks like today... I am saddened that it still looks very much the same. Although I can see a lot of the changes I championed back in the day. I wound up doing a lot of research. I listed possible actives, I researched what ages residents would be today and when they would have been born and lived through their most defining years. I did a quick history review of each decade since the 20s. I wrote it all in a document to have ready for the interview, just in case. 

~~~


Something weird happened. I have been in SUCH a good mood all day. Really. I would have told you that nothing could have gotten me down. My costume is done and I am psyched. The house is clean and I am ready for tomorrow.... 

I was looking through facebook, when I noticed that his cousin had posted something on his page... They are all getting together at Christmas at his Grandma’s house.... And my stomach just tied in a knot and I felt like I was going to throw up. I don’t even know why. I just thought- he is going to be with family. I will be alone. Completely alone. He is making plans to go have fun and see people- people he would never introduce me to as his girlfriend and take me to spend time with... Of course, I am going out and trying to do things and have fun every day. I am trying my best... But knowing that he was- it knocked the wind out of me. And I just couldn’t get it back. I was in a funk the last 2 hours. Although, the closer I got to bedtime, and the more I researched for the interview, the more anxious I became, so I think part of it might just be anxiety about tomorrow and it is a coincidence that I read that just then... Although, I definitely was hurt to read about the great plans he has with his big family, while I will be here completely alone- my family too far away or sick to visit, and the girls with their dad... 

Time for bed and then I am hoping, a fantastic day tomorrow. 

A Good Monday

I went to bed last night at 8:30. I was SO tired I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I tried to stay up as long as I could so that I wouldn’t wake up at 2am and not be able to get back to sleep... I fell asleep and slept through until 10:30 this morning. That’s a lot of sleep. 

I did some work in the house, but there wasn’t a lot to do... 

The girls were supposed to come over after school. M read my status about the meatballs and she wanted some. She was so excited. I told her I would warm them up for her. I was excited that they were coming by. I texted them at 4:10, and asked where they were. M told me that Dad was bringing her by... She and Dad were going to come in and hang out and eat meatballs? That would be awkward. I was irritated that they didn’t let me know that they plan changed. I assumed that Audre had rehearsal...

X brought M by. He stayed in the car. She came in and hung out just for a few minutes and I gave her the meatballs in a tut. 

I talked to L a few minutes later- winds up she didn’t go to school today. He let her stay home to work on her college application essays. She has had months and months to do this, and she waited until 2 days before it is due. So he is letting her skip school to do it. Then she lectures me about how she needs to focus on what’s important. Now, with 2 days to go... 

Anyway, other than that, I got a lot done, I thought. I put all of Messiah into the iPad, and then did all the bookmarks and notations. Then I sang through the whole thing once or twice. I did half of my workout, and then showered, all the while, listening to the practice cd of the music. 

I went to practice at 7:15, and stopped by an ATM on the way. I heard some great songs on K-Love that made me happy. 

Then I sang though the entire piece, beginning to end, at rehearsal. I was nervous at first, but I did fine. There are a lot of parts I can’t do, but I did really well for a first run through. And ** sat RIGHT behind me and leaned forward and practically sang in my ear the entire time. He is amazing. I could listen to him sing for hours. And he is such a conscientious musician. I have spoken to him several times, and am amazed that he actually thinks that he is only a mediocre musician. He really believes that he is only average, and he painstakingly takes every instruction from directors to heart. You can hear him humming along or whispering the correct pronunciation of a word after the director has talked about it. He listens to everything Sir says, and does it, without being obnoxious about it. He makes me want to be a better singer and choir member. Being near him, and watching the way he puts 100% into practice makes me want to sit up a little straighter and pay more attention to Sir. 

I tried to get coffee on the way home, but all the Starbucks are closed. Hurricane Sandy is on her way, and the wind here is ferocious. I can hear it whipping the house. I got a pumpkin carving kit and some more lollipops instead. I am going to make another lollipop pumpkin to take to the church for Trunk-or-Treat on Wednesday. 

I came home, settled down with some Spaghettios and watched last weeks Once Upon A Time. I feel fantastic. Even with some stress, today has been great. I got a lot done, and the music always makes me happy. 

I also took an aspirin, because I forgot my glasses and had to go all of rehearsal without them. We were on the next to last song when I realized I had a migraine coming on. I’m certain it is from straining SO hard to focus on the music. I really, really can’t see it anymore. It is time to do something. I’m thinking the 2 distance contacts thing like Mom and * do. I need to make an appointment. 

OK, midnight. Bed. I don’t want to ruin the good schedule I could have going, after going to bed at 8:30 last night! 

Molehills

Last night, I went to a meeting. It was very small. Only 4 of us, and 2 newcomers- a couple. 

We went around the room and shared. * brought the program, and I swear, he talked for 20 minutes or longer. He always goes on and on, but tonight it was particularly long... When he was done, I went first. I talked a little about what he had spoken on- taking the program little by little, not thinking you could do it all in a week, or all by yourself, etc... Then I told the story about the lawn mower breaking down, and calling D&F. The next person talked about falling away from the program if she stays away too long. The next woman was struggling with being depressed and trying to not isolate. The last person was * and she rambled about her mother, brother and lawyers like she does every time. 

When it was the newcomers turn, he said, “I have been sitting here listening to all of you talk about your “problems”, and I’m sorry, but- y’all just have molehills. WE have a mountain!” And then he went on and on about how horrible their lives were and how they were trapped by their daughters drinking and they had to stay involved to keep their granddaughter safe. I understood how painful and frustrating it has to be. He went on about how they came there to find someone who understood and could tell them how to FIX it. He kept saying that we couldn’t possibly help him, because none of us could understand their pain, and that wheat they were going through was so REAL and the rest of us couldn't understand. 

Their daughter is a fall down, passed out by 11am, DUI, lost her license, getting arrested drunk. They feel that they can’t go on vacation, or even hardly out to dinner, because they have to stay nearby incase the daughter gets drunk and something happens to the granddaughter. They have to drive her to school. The daughter has lost her license, so IF she is going to work, they will have to drive her. They feel trapped in their home, and trapped by fear and anxiety. They have to always answer the phone, because it might be the granddaughter calling for help. They have lost their free time- their lives, really... And they are angry. Well, HE’S angry. She sniffled, and never spoke. He didn’t let her... 

I sat there, literally swaying between 2 completely opposite thoughts... IN one moment, I would be completely compassionate. I would hurt for these people- obviously so angry, so hurt, so scared, so TIRED... I understood completely. It was one of the hardest Newcomer shares I have ever heard... But then in the next instant, I would be almost angry- How dare he walk in here and tell the rest of us that he have no problems?! He was listening to people who have been in the program from 2-20 years. He has no idea where we came from. Just because my life wasn't in shambles today doesn't mean that it wasn't once... It doesn't mean that I can't understand where yours is today.

We all stayed after and talked to them for a while... They have been on my mind a great deal. Still- back and forth between being offended and having pity... 

Dentist / Therapist

My daughter posted this: 

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it wasn’t hurting you doesn’t mean you didn’t notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.

Marble 7

OK, I need to explain this week's marble... There isn't really a lot to tell... 

This week the picture of the marble is on my pillow. 

I really didn't do too well last week. I went someplace almost every day, and I learned some good lessons... But every single day, I couldn't get out of bed until almost 11. I tried. I got up at 6 and got the girls up, and drove M to school. Then I would come home and lay back down, which I think is acceptable when I didn't get to sleep until 1 or 2am. I would set the alarm for 9:30am every day. And every day, I would hit snooze. The moment the alarm sounded, I would be filled with so much anxiety- so much dread for the day to come. I would lay there and rationalize- I would list the things I had to do that day and tell myself that none of them were that hard or that big of a deal. If I just got up and DID the things I needed to do, I would feel so much better. But the fear kept me paralyzed, and I just couldn't get up until either I felt so disgusted with myself for still being there that I got up, or a few days, I had a meeting at noon, so I had to get ready. All in all, it wound up being about 11 every single day. A few days this week, I would be so incredibly tired by only 2 or 3 in the afternoon that I actually  laid back down and took a nap before picking up M. I don't' even know why. I do know that I really, really felt like I was starting to get sick last week, so maybe I am still fighting that off. But mostly, I think it is just depression making me feel tired. 

This is why I want a job so badly. Just staying here every single day all by myself without anything to really do is just driving me mad. I can stay in bed until 11 because I CAN. If I had a job, I would have to get up, and get going and be productive. I never sleep in on Sundays- I have to get to church. And I feel better on those days. 

So... This week, I just didn't try hard enough. I let myself feel down and depressed and I let myself just lay there in the bed for hours and daydream about how I wish things were... Not the entire week. Just the mornings, really...  I did a lot of good stuff, too. But too much of the week was spent on that pillow. So, there is the marble. 

Another Lesson

I set today aside to do yard work. I could have done it Thursday, but I was afraid of having a whole day today with nothing active to do. I have a lot of computer work to do, but  I couldn't stand the thought of sitting at the computer all day on a Saturday, working on scrapbooks.. The less busy I am, the more I think about him, and the sadder I will get. 

So I planned to work on the yard all day. I raked all of the leaves into the yard. I raked them out of the flowerbeds and the bushes and off the driveway into the grass. I got blisters on the palms of my hands and I was sore, but I felt good about how much I had gotten done. My plan was to mow over the leaves and mulch them. I am not strong enough to rake all of the leaves to the curb or to bag them all. If I do it about once a week, I can just mow over all the leaves, mulching them, and make the yard look leaf free. 

I went to get the lawn mower and it wouldn't start. I primed the engine and tried again. It made a noise, but it wouldn't turn over... I pulled it over and over again until my shoulder hurt. I pushed the primer button again and again. I thought maybe I had flooded the engine, so I went to rake for a few minutes. I tried again and it still didn't work. I would pull it over and over again, and then wait a few minutes and do something else and then come back... After a while, I began to realize that it was broken. It wasn't going to start. 

I got so frustrated. I felt like I was going to cry. It was just too much. I had planned to spend all day doing this. Now I was running out of time, and I wasn't going to get it done... But tomorrow, I won't be here. I will be at the Pumpkin Carving party and it is over an hour away... Then Monday, the rain from Hurricane Sandy should be here, and the rain will soak the leaves and make them impossible to mow over... Not to mention that the wind was blowing all of the leaves back into the driveway and into the flower beds. All of my work was going to be for nothing. THREE hours of raking for nothing... 

I tried it again, over and over again. it would not start. It was broken... 

I started to cry. I went into the laundry room and sat down and just cried. Big, hot, burning tears. It wasn't just the wasting of the day... I kept thinking, one year ago- almost exactly one year ago- I was trying to rake an entire season of leaves all by myself. The rake kept getting caught in the vines. My shoulders were hurting. I just couldn't do it myself. And I shouldn't have had to. Last year I just kept thinking- families are supposed to do this together. When I was a kid, we used to help with the yard work. We had to. We raked and mowed and held open the bags so that dad could put the leaves and grass clippings in it... I always just wanted my husband to help me with these things. For us to do things like this together, as a family... Last year, T wasn't there. I was doing it alone. He had left me, again, and I was doing all these things alone. I wanted to be a family. I wanted to be part of something. I wanted to share my life with someone.... But I was alone. And raking all of the leaves was just symbolic... I cried the whole time I was raking.... About a month later, T was here. He and the girls helped with all the leaves that were left. We did it in an afternoon, and it was fun and I loved it. It was like a family and it is a wonderful, wonderful memory for me.... 

So today, I was crying over more than just the lawn mower... Here I was, one year later, still alone. Still raking leaves alone. And everything I tried to do- all the good I tried to do, all the chores I tried to accomplish- it was all for nothing. Nothing I tried to do ever seems to amount to anything. I do hard work, and nothing good comes from it... 

I was crying, and in my head, I was yelling at God. I was yelling, "REALLY?? Really? I do all this work, and it is for nothing?! I keep trying to do good and I keep getting punished for it! What are you trying to do to me? Is there a lesson here? Are you trying to teach me something? What lesson could there POSSIBLY BE from this happening today??"

And I sat there. And I was quiet. And I heard a voice. My voice, sort of. I very clearly heard the voice in my head say, "Maybe the lesson is that doing something on your own doesn't mean that you have to do it alone... Maybe the point is that you could ask someone for help..." 

I don't know why I thought it. But it made me think... I texted D and asked if she was home. I told her what was going on... She and F got in their car and came over here. They were here in 20 minutes. F brought a tool kit and fiddled with the lawn mower for a while. He changed the spark plug, and then it worked... 

I mowed the whole front yard. Twice, really, cause I had to go over the leaves a few times... I got everything in the front yard done. It ran out of gas just as I got to the back yard. I took that as a sign, since it was 25 minutes until the 6pm meeting. I came in and tidied up, and went to the meeting. That is a whole different post. It was an experience.... 

So, not only did I learn that I can ask for help- that I can be strong and independent and get things done on my own even if I ask for help...

I also learned about spark plugs, and will be able to change it myself next time...  

What started out as a bad thing wound up being good. A lesson. Another one.  

Scrapbooks

I have been working on copying / recreating the family scrapbooks for the Ex for Christmas. It's only fair- we should both have them, and there is only one copy of each. I don't mind and I think it's a nice thing to do... 

But I discovered something amazing and intensely sad and... I don't even know what emotions to relate to it... 

The last day that I scrapbooked- after years and years of chronicling every singe day- the last thing I made a page for was S. Right when my ex started everything. Thats when our happy life stopped. That's when we started living in chaos and I started going crazy and I started resenting him more and more for what he was doing and trying to get me to do. 

That's when my inability to say no and my desire to just make everyone happy began to result in my enabling him to make terrible choices and I started hating him for not caring enough about me to make different ones. Everyone was to blame. But that is it. That is the day everything stopped. I hadn't even realized that the scrapbooks stopped that day, as well. 

It is so sad. 

But also very eye opening.