Marble 16

Christmas Week 

2 days off, three days working double shifts. No kids. Lots of time to sit around alone and feel sorry for myself... 

I started trying to get out of it... I went to meeting on Thursday night, and heard some really great things... I went to several more after that... I keep forgetting how much they help. 

Meetings

I started going to meetings again. I don't know why I stopped. I guess I really thought that all I needed was to get out of the house and start working and feeling productive, and then I would be so much better... Plus I am so tired after work, I don't want to leave the house again once I get home...

But after yesterday, I realized that I had to do something, and if I sat at home alone and had nothing to do but think about all of this, I would go mad. So I went.

I really wish that I could remember how important it is to keep going, even when things seem OK... Just one hour in the rooms, 2 nights in a row, have made such a difference...

A few things that I heard or thought during these last 2 meetings:


* I already established a long time ago that my biggest problem was "people pleasing"... This has not changed, regardless of time alone.  I desperately need to be loved- I am upset only because I'm not. I have been rejected again. I have to focus on the truth and not just the bare feelings.

I had a realization- this people pleasing- changing myself, doing things for others, giving gifts, posting on Facebook- is all to get others to love me the way I want to be loved. This is all about self esteem. Completely. I wanted him because I wanted him to want me. I couldn't stand that he was thinking that I wasn't good enough or right for him. I had to make it happen. All the while I always knew that I didn't really want him or that life.

* A lot of people talked about how hard the holidays are. They talked about feeling envious of other peoples perfect lives and Norman Rockwell holidays when our are so messed up... Someone pointed out that just because they look happy doesn't mean they are. I probably look very happy from the outside... We are comparing our insides to other peoples outsides.

* One fellow said that he had been spending a lot of time lately in self-intorspection, and he was "Unpacking my suitcase and seeing what I still wear and what I should give away". I liked that.

* As I sat there, I realized that I never really have to feel alone. There is a meeting every single night. If I want, I can have somewhere to go and have plans for every single day of my life. I never have to spend an evening all alone and miserable- not if I don't want to. Not if I get my ass up and out of the house and do something.

* I have been looking for unconditional love. It's all I asked him for. It is hard to feel the same about it, but I realize that God's love is unconditional. And the love in the meeting rooms- that is unconditional. Completely.

* Talking. Just talking to a few people made such a difference and I felt so much better. I need to talk to work through information. That isn't wrong, it is just who I am. I need to embrace my reality and not think it is wrong because other people are different. I need to realize what about me I DO need to change, and change it. But not everyting about me is wrong.

* One man who works in theatre noted that being involved in the stage is perfect for my kind of personality- a constant need for approval- applause, praise and admiration- and a feeling that you control it- if you work hard enough you can get good enough that people will give you the love and praise that you desire. Not that it is healthy- just that it is a logical place for someone like me- and him- to wind up. :)

Marble 15

This was my 15th marble. My 15th week alone.... I took the picture on December 22... But I'm not actually posting it until June 18th... 

I left Christmas gifts for T and the girls in the beginning of December. it started a short exchange of emails between us. I was hoping it would. After so many months, I was certain that we had grown and moved on from the painful things that had caused our problems. I wasn't expecting to hear that he had moved on and had started seeing someone else only weeks after he left me. 

I was devastated.. Not so much because he and I wouldn't be getting back together, but by the fact that he had moved on so quickly. My self esteem was already so low- to know that I was SO easy to get over... That he hadn't even struggled, or thought about trying again or anything... He just left and actually, literally never looked back. My heart was broken. I really was completely unlovable and ugly and useless. 

Against my better judgement, I wrote him one last letter. I asked him to think about all we had shared. All we knew about each other and all the plans we had... I told him that if he was SURE that this new woman was 'the one', then, fine- don't answer me at all. I don't want to hear about it. But if there was even a tiny, small part of him that thought he might be making a mistake, then please to just have lunch with me, and let us have a chance to get to know each other again. 

I decided to give him a week to answer. Christmas was coming, and he had company in town. I decided that if he didn't answer in a week, I would assume he was completely done with me, and I would unfriend him and his friends on Facebook, and give up for real and completely. 

When I took this picture, I was waiting. It was all I could think about, all day, every day. Waiting and hoping that he would write. Thinking about how different I was, and how much I wanted to show him that I wasn't the needy, emotional mess I had been when he left... 

I wanted to take a picture that would help me remember what had been going on. I saw the girraffe in Audre's room and decided that would definetly make me remember. 

It was two days after Christmas, 2 days before I had planned to give up and unfriend everyone, so that I wouldn't have to be forced to watch him move on with his life and see him happy with someone else... I had already written a lettter to him- a very kind, loving letter that said that all I ever really wanted was for him to feel loved and be happy, and obviously he was... I was on my way into a meeting at work, when I got an alert on my phone... "T is in a relationship with J.D."... 

In all the time we were together, he wouldn't even post a pic of me on his page... He wouldn't change his relationship status.... He wouldn't even take off that he was married to her, even after he had moved out and we were dating... It was impossible to not take it as a purposeful  deliberate slap in the face... I wrote him an angry note, attached the nice note, and then unfriended him and everyone that I had met through him, so that I wouldn't have to see it anymore. 

I had just begun 21 days of being all alone... I only worked, and spent evenings with my cats... 

However, only a few days later, things happened that set a whole string of events in motion that changed everything... 

tired

I'm so tired of seeing Facebook posts of people talking about how wonderful their husband is, or saying beautiful things about their marriage on their anniversary, or photos of them spending time together...

I'm tired of people in love on TV shows. I'm tired of characters realizing how they really feel and deciding not to waste another moment and professing their love... 

I'm tired of being surrounded by happy couples and enduring marriages and people atwitter with new love. 

Mosaic

I got W a small Christmas gift. Just some peanut butter and jelly and fig newtons.... Just some things that seemed funny that we had talked about. He made me a sandwich once, and he eats fig newtons for lunch everyday. It wasn't any big deal.  

He texted and told me that my gift was "arriving" Thursday. He met the girls and I for dinner after L's show on Wednesday night to bring us the fudge he made for us, and then he met us again tonight night to bring my gift... 

I was a mosaic cross. He enclosed a card with the words from that text message on it.  It was a beautiful gift. Perhaps the most meaningful gift I have ever received. The girls just looked at me with these faces that said, "MARRY HIM" whenever he wasn't looking. They feel awkward around him, but they like him A LOT. I think only because he is so kind to me and they want to see me with someone who treats me like I am special... 

How many times

I tried to leave the service early. They started all those happy Christmas songs, and I couldn't help but think that I'm going to be all alone- completely alone- from Christmas day until the middle of January. The tears started rolling down my face and I couldn't stop them... 

I tried to leave, but I ran into W. I never did find out what happened to him last night, so we sat down in a room and he told me about it. A friend was threatening suicide. He jumped in his car and drove 2 hours to their house. He cried while he said that he didn't understand why they called HIM. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. He was scared and sad and has obviously never felt suicidal, because he just couldn't understand the feeling of wanting to end it all... He cried and he talked, and when I finally left, my heart was heavy for myself and for him. I walked to the car, praying in my head, "God, please give me peace. Give W peace. PLEASE just take away this pain. PLEASE just let me move on and do the things I am supposed to do. Please..." 

I turned on the car, and this song came on the radio... 

Well, everybody's got a story to tell

And everybody's got a wound to be healed

I want to believe there's beauty here

So, I guess you're tired of holding on

I can't let go, I can't move on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Though I walk,

Though I walk through the shadows

And I, I am so afraid

Please stay, please stay right beside me

With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?

And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I need you now

I need you now

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"

Beautiful

Some months ago, I asked God to use the radio to give me signs if he wanted me to know something. I listen to a christian radio station, and so many times, the song that they play the moment I get in the car seems to be exactly what I need to hear. I truly believe that God uses the music to talk to me sometimes... 

I asked God once to give me a sign about T. I asked him to play a song that told me what I should do... The first song that played was "All Of Me"... I cried and yelled out to Him that I HAD given him all of me! All that I could! I had given him all of my love and trust and support as best as I knew how. I read articles on "how to pray for your husband" and how to be a better partner and how to show love in little ways every day to your spouse... I wanted to be a woman/wife/partner like in Proverbs 31. I gave all I had and I looked past anything about him that was less than perfect, because I knew that we would both learn and change, and I knew that it was his differences that made me fall in love with him in the first place... I wasn't going to make the same mistakes I made last time. I was going to give him every last bit of love I had...  I had DONE that. I had GIVEN. He didn't want it. He rejected it. I yelled at God to stop playing that damned song! I TRIED that and it did nothing but hurt me... 

The next song that came on was called "Forgiveness." 

I knew I could forgive him. I already had. I loved him so much, I forgave things before he ever did them. I knew there was nothing he could do that would make me love him less. Everyone makes mistakes... I thought maybe the song was talking about the others. The ladies and the pastor from the old church... I thought about that a lot... 

Last night, I kept saying the same prayer over and over. I couldn't think. I didn't know what to think. Or how to feel. I just knew that my chest felt like someone was standing on it, and I couldn't breathe. I kept praying, "God, give me peace." Over and over and over again. I kept thinking it in my head, begging Him to take the pain away, just enough that I could sleep... But it didn't work. The pain stayed... I did what my doctor told me to, and I took half a xanax. I never take half, because it seems too much for me. But I did, and it didn't help. It was like I didn't take anything at all. The pain stayed, the panic stayed... I laid there all night. For three months, all I could think of was trying again with him. Hoping that he would see that we could work if we wanted to. Thinking about his eyes and his face and his hands, and feeling like I could never, ever love anyone else, ever again.... And realizing that after only a few weeks, (WEEKS) he was able to start dating again. All those things he said- just lies? I just wasn't pretty enough or good enough. I have never felt so unloved. 

So this morning, on my way to church, I was trying not to cry. I felt dazed and wounded. I couldn't think or even really see out the windscreen. I was exhausted from lack of sleep, and my mind was muddled... I got in the car, and I prayed to God to tell me something I needed to know to make all of this better. And he said, 

Days will come when you don't have the strength

And all you hear is you're not worth anything 

Wondering if you ever could be loved

And if they truly saw your heart 

They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight 

Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves...

Enough to die!!!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

In His eyes

You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful!

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful!

You are treasured

You are sacred

You are His

Beautiful (Mercy Me)