Marble 3

Saint Patricks cathedral... 

 For the first time, I was visiting it alone. I could spend  much time as I wanted and look and read every sign and placard. There had just been a fantastic wedding- incredibly fancy. People were walking around in formal gowns everywhere. 

I went to every alcove for every saint, and again, as I seem to every year, I wound in front of Saint Joseph. Maybe because he was a father. The first year I lit a candle for his father, I looked for the patron saint of fathers and couldn't find one, so I went to Christ's father. Saint Patrick's church has statues of such obscure saints… If there is a patron saint of fathers, it isn't there… St. Joseph always seem the most appropriate one to choose. 

This year, I lit three candles, one for my grandparents, one for my brother, and one for his father…. After waiting forever for the security guard to walk away, I placed my marble at the feet of the tiny angel that guarded the candles. I quickly took a picture. Then I knelt in front of the statue, and prayed. Most years I am too distracted to pray properly. I know the kids are getting bored and there are tourists everywhere. But this year I just cleared my head took a long as I needed. 

At first, I prayed for God to bring him back to me… Then, as I thought the words, I realized that it wasn't going to happen. And that for praying for it was only setting myself up for pain and disappointment. So, as I usually try to do, I prayed for God's will… I don't know what His will is, but I know that whatever it is, it will be best in the end. I prayed for God to heal him. To heal his heart and give him love and peace and happiness. I prayed for God to open his heart and let him feel all the things that he blocks out and refuses to feel.  And if there was some way, if somehow, someday, he could feel what I feel,  that maybe he could bring us back together.  

I truly and earnestly prayed. And when I was done, I was crying. Kneeling there, in St. Patricks cathedral, in the middle of New York, surrounded by strangers… I got up to leave, but as I walked through the sanctuary, and saw the people sitting, waiting for the 5:30 mass to start, I suddenly felt compelled to stay. I sat in a pew and lowered the kneeling bar, and prayed again until the service started.