10.30.2012

Good Day



Stayed in bed too long again. Interestingly enough, today was a speaker meeting, and * shared. She talked a lot about not being able to get out of bed. About how her feelings and anxiety and memories kept her locked to the bed and unable to get up unless she had to go to work. Amazing. I am constantly thinking that I am so different and so much worse than everyone else (Some people would certainly like me to believe that). But I am suffering from a case of “terminal uniqueness”, as * calls it. I am not that different. I am not that bad. And if other people got better and can be the kind of people they always wanted to be, then I can, too. I was always sure that I could. But some people try to make me feel like I am so bad and so out of control and so unreasonable that I am unworthy and unfixable. They are wrong. 

Seriously, I am in a ridiculously good mood right now. I went from no job prospects to three. I was trying to hold the first one off without turning it down, because the other 2 seemed better- but no promise I would get them. I got an email from the first one, asking for info for a background check. I waited 2 days to answer it, and when they called, told them it was in my junk mail folder, but that I had now filled it out. The interview today was for a temporary full time job- just between now and Christmas. It would have been fun and easy- receptionist- and it probably paid better than minimum wage (although I don’t know that- we never got to that point). But it was only temporary and I would have to start all of this again in December. But an hour before the interview, she called and said that their policy gives first choice of jobs to people already within the company, and that someone had just expressed interest in the job, so they had to cancel the interview. She was so kind and apologetic... I am really feeling like this is God getting rid of things one at a time, until the path I am supposed to take is obvious. The interview tomorrow is for a job that I did before I had the kids. Something that I was really good at, and something I can be proud of. I am feeling good about the interview, and hopeful that I will be offered the job. If not, then the job at the bookstore is waiting for me- even if it only pays minimum wage... 

I have Trunk-Or-Treat tomorrow and still have NO idea what to do with my car. None. I keep thinking of something spacey or Doctor Who-ish, but I don’t know what to do with the car... Or I could make giant teeth and eyeballs to go on the car, but then what do *I* wear? I need an idea. 

Right now I am going to carve a pumpkin to take and put in my trunk, and watch my show from last night on Hulu. Things are good today. 

~~~
I started looking up activities calendars from a few places to see what the field looks like today... I am saddened that it still looks very much the same. Although I can see a lot of the changes I championed back in the day. I wound up doing a lot of research. I listed possible actives, I researched what ages residents would be today and when they would have been born and lived through their most defining years. I did a quick history review of each decade since the 20s. I wrote it all in a document to have ready for the interview, just in case. 


~~~


Something weird happened. I have been in SUCH a good mood all day. Really. I would have told you that nothing could have gotten me down. My costume is done and I am psyched. The house is clean and I am ready for tomorrow.... 

I was looking through facebook, when I noticed that his cousin had posted something on his page... They are all getting together at Christmas at his Grandma’s house.... And my stomach just tied in a knot and I felt like I was going to throw up. I don’t even know why. I just thought- he is going to be with family. I will be alone. Completely alone. He is making plans to go have fun and see people- people he would never introduce me to as his girlfriend and take me to spend time with... Of course, I am going out and trying to do things and have fun every day. I am trying my best... But knowing that he was- it knocked the wind out of me. And I just couldn’t get it back. I was in a funk the last 2 hours. Although, the closer I got to bedtime, and the more I researched for the interview, the more anxious I became, so I think part of it might just be anxiety about tomorrow and it is a coincidence that I read that just then... Although, I definitely was hurt to read about the great plans he has with his big family, while I will be here completely alone- my family too far away or sick to visit, and the girls with their dad... 

Time for bed and then I am hoping, a fantastic day tomorrow. 

10.29.2012

A Good Monday


I went to bed last night at 8:30. I was SO tired I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I tried to stay up as long as I could so that I wouldn’t wake up at 2am and not be able to get back to sleep... I fell asleep and slept through until 10:30 this morning. That’s a lot of sleep. 

I did some work in the house, but there wasn’t a lot to do... 

The girls were supposed to come over after school. M read my status about the meatballs and she wanted some. She was so excited. I told her I would warm them up for her. I was excited that they were coming by. I texted them at 4:10, and asked where they were. M told me that Dad was bringing her by... She and Dad were going to come in and hang out and eat meatballs? That would be awkward. I was irritated that they didn’t let me know that they plan changed. I assumed that Audre had rehearsal...

X brought M by. He stayed in the car. She came in and hung out just for a few minutes and I gave her the meatballs in a tut. 

I talked to L a few minutes later- winds up she didn’t go to school today. He let her stay home to work on her college application essays. She has had months and months to do this, and she waited until 2 days before it is due. So he is letting her skip school to do it. Then she lectures me about how she needs to focus on what’s important. Now, with 2 days to go... 

Anyway, other than that, I got a lot done, I thought. I put all of Messiah into the iPad, and then did all the bookmarks and notations. Then I sang through the whole thing once or twice. I did half of my workout, and then showered, all the while, listening to the practice cd of the music. 

I went to practice at 7:15, and stopped by an ATM on the way. I heard some great songs on K-Love that made me happy. 

Then I sang though the entire piece, beginning to end, at rehearsal. I was nervous at first, but I did fine. There are a lot of parts I can’t do, but I did really well for a first run through. And ** sat RIGHT behind me and leaned forward and practically sang in my ear the entire time. He is amazing. I could listen to him sing for hours. And he is such a conscientious musician. I have spoken to him several times, and am amazed that he actually thinks that he is only a mediocre musician. He really believes that he is only average, and he painstakingly takes every instruction from directors to heart. You can hear him humming along or whispering the correct pronunciation of a word after the director has talked about it. He listens to everything Sir says, and does it, without being obnoxious about it. He makes me want to be a better singer and choir member. Being near him, and watching the way he puts 100% into practice makes me want to sit up a little straighter and pay more attention to Sir. 

I tried to get coffee on the way home, but all the Starbucks are closed. Hurricane Sandy is on her way, and the wind here is ferocious. I can hear it whipping the house. I got a pumpkin carving kit and some more lollipops instead. I am going to make another lollipop pumpkin to take to the church for Trunk-or-Treat on Wednesday. 

I came home, settled down with some Spaghettios and watched last weeks Once Upon A Time. I feel fantastic. Even with some stress, today has been great. I got a lot done, and the music always makes me happy. 

I also took an aspirin, because I forgot my glasses and had to go all of rehearsal without them. We were on the next to last song when I realized I had a migraine coming on. I’m certain it is from straining SO hard to focus on the music. I really, really can’t see it anymore. It is time to do something. I’m thinking the 2 distance contacts thing like Mom and * do. I need to make an appointment. 

OK, midnight. Bed. I don’t want to ruin the good schedule I could have going, after going to bed at 8:30 last night! 

10.28.2012

Molehills


Last night, I went to a meeting. It was very small. Only 4 of us, and 2 newcomers- a couple. 

We went around the room and shared. * brought the program, and I swear, he talked for 20 minutes or longer. He always goes on and on, but tonight it was particularly long... When he was done, I went first. I talked a little about what he had spoken on- taking the program little by little, not thinking you could do it all in a week, or all by yourself, etc... Then I told the story about the lawn mower breaking down, and calling D&F. The next person talked about falling away from the program if she stays away too long. The next woman was struggling with being depressed and trying to not isolate. The last person was * and she rambled about her mother, brother and lawyers like she does every time. 

When it was the newcomers turn, he said, “I have been sitting here listening to all of you talk about your “problems”, and I’m sorry, but- y’all just have molehills. WE have a mountain!” And then he went on and on about how horrible their lives were and how they were trapped by their daughters drinking and they had to stay involved to keep their granddaughter safe. I understood how painful and frustrating it has to be. He went on about how they came there to find someone who understood and could tell them how to FIX it. He kept saying that we couldn’t possibly help him, because none of us could understand their pain, and that wheat they were going through was so REAL and the rest of us couldn't understand. 

Their daughter is a fall down, passed out by 11am, DUI, lost her license, getting arrested drunk. They feel that they can’t go on vacation, or even hardly out to dinner, because they have to stay nearby incase the daughter gets drunk and something happens to the granddaughter. They have to drive her to school. The daughter has lost her license, so IF she is going to work, they will have to drive her. They feel trapped in their home, and trapped by fear and anxiety. They have to always answer the phone, because it might be the granddaughter calling for help. They have lost their free time- their lives, really... And they are angry. Well, HE’S angry. She sniffled, and never spoke. He didn’t let her... 

I sat there, literally swaying between 2 completely opposite thoughts... IN one moment, I would be completely compassionate. I would hurt for these people- obviously so angry, so hurt, so scared, so TIRED... I understood completely. It was one of the hardest Newcomer shares I have ever heard... But then in the next instant, I would be almost angry- How dare he walk in here and tell the rest of us that he have no problems?! He was listening to people who have been in the program from 2-20 years. He has no idea where we came from. Just because my life wasn't in shambles today doesn't mean that it wasn't once... It doesn't mean that I can't understand where yours is today.

We all stayed after and talked to them for a while... They have been on my mind a great deal. Still- back and forth between being offended and having pity... 



Dentist / Therapist

My daughter posted this: 

My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it wasn’t hurting you doesn’t mean you didn’t notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore, move on and let go.

10.27.2012

Marble 7

OK, I need to explain this week's marble... There isn't really a lot to tell... 

This week the picture of the marble is on my pillow. 

I really didn't do too well last week. I went someplace almost every day, and I learned some good lessons... But every single day, I couldn't get out of bed until almost 11. I tried. I got up at 6 and got the girls up, and drove M to school. Then I would come home and lay back down, which I think is acceptable when I didn't get to sleep until 1 or 2am. I would set the alarm for 9:30am every day. And every day, I would hit snooze. The moment the alarm sounded, I would be filled with so much anxiety- so much dread for the day to come. I would lay there and rationalize- I would list the things I had to do that day and tell myself that none of them were that hard or that big of a deal. If I just got up and DID the things I needed to do, I would feel so much better. But the fear kept me paralyzed, and I just couldn't get up until either I felt so disgusted with myself for still being there that I got up, or a few days, I had a meeting at noon, so I had to get ready. All in all, it wound up being about 11 every single day. A few days this week, I would be so incredibly tired by only 2 or 3 in the afternoon that I actually  laid back down and took a nap before picking up M. I don't' even know why. I do know that I really, really felt like I was starting to get sick last week, so maybe I am still fighting that off. But mostly, I think it is just depression making me feel tired. 

This is why I want a job so badly. Just staying here every single day all by myself without anything to really do is just driving me mad. I can stay in bed until 11 because I CAN. If I had a job, I would have to get up, and get going and be productive. I never sleep in on Sundays- I have to get to church. And I feel better on those days. 

So... This week, I just didn't try hard enough. I let myself feel down and depressed and I let myself just lay there in the bed for hours and daydream about how I wish things were... Not the entire week. Just the mornings, really...  I did a lot of good stuff, too. But too much of the week was spent on that pillow. So, there is the marble. 




Another Lesson

I set today aside to do yard work. I could have done it Thursday, but I was afraid of having a whole day today with nothing active to do. I have a lot of computer work to do, but  I couldn't stand the thought of sitting at the computer all day on a Saturday, working on scrapbooks.. The less busy I am, the more I think about him, and the sadder I will get. 

So I planned to work on the yard all day. I raked all of the leaves into the yard. I raked them out of the flowerbeds and the bushes and off the driveway into the grass. I got blisters on the palms of my hands and I was sore, but I felt good about how much I had gotten done. My plan was to mow over the leaves and mulch them. I am not strong enough to rake all of the leaves to the curb or to bag them all. If I do it about once a week, I can just mow over all the leaves, mulching them, and make the yard look leaf free. 

I went to get the lawn mower and it wouldn't start. I primed the engine and tried again. It made a noise, but it wouldn't turn over... I pulled it over and over again until my shoulder hurt. I pushed the primer button again and again. I thought maybe I had flooded the engine, so I went to rake for a few minutes. I tried again and it still didn't work. I would pull it over and over again, and then wait a few minutes and do something else and then come back... After a while, I began to realize that it was broken. It wasn't going to start. 

I got so frustrated. I felt like I was going to cry. It was just too much. I had planned to spend all day doing this. Now I was running out of time, and I wasn't going to get it done... But tomorrow, I won't be here. I will be at the Pumpkin Carving party and it is over an hour away... Then Monday, the rain from Hurricane Sandy should be here, and the rain will soak the leaves and make them impossible to mow over... Not to mention that the wind was blowing all of the leaves back into the driveway and into the flower beds. All of my work was going to be for nothing. THREE hours of raking for nothing... 

I tried it again, over and over again. it would not start. It was broken... 

I started to cry. I went into the laundry room and sat down and just cried. Big, hot, burning tears. It wasn't just the wasting of the day... I kept thinking, one year ago- almost exactly one year ago- I was trying to rake an entire season of leaves all by myself. The rake kept getting caught in the vines. My shoulders were hurting. I just couldn't do it myself. And I shouldn't have had to. Last year I just kept thinking- families are supposed to do this together. When I was a kid, we used to help with the yard work. We had to. We raked and mowed and held open the bags so that dad could put the leaves and grass clippings in it... I always just wanted my husband to help me with these things. For us to do things like this together, as a family... Last year, T wasn't there. I was doing it alone. He had left me, again, and I was doing all these things alone. I wanted to be a family. I wanted to be part of something. I wanted to share my life with someone.... But I was alone. And raking all of the leaves was just symbolic... I cried the whole time I was raking.... About a month later, T was here. He and the girls helped with all the leaves that were left. We did it in an afternoon, and it was fun and I loved it. It was like a family and it is a wonderful, wonderful memory for me.... 

So today, I was crying over more than just the lawn mower... Here I was, one year later, still alone. Still raking leaves alone. And everything I tried to do- all the good I tried to do, all the chores I tried to accomplish- it was all for nothing. Nothing I tried to do ever seems to amount to anything. I do hard work, and nothing good comes from it... 

I was crying, and in my head, I was yelling at God. I was yelling, "REALLY?? Really? I do all this work, and it is for nothing?! I keep trying to do good and I keep getting punished for it! What are you trying to do to me? Is there a lesson here? Are you trying to teach me something? What lesson could there POSSIBLY BE from this happening today??"

And I sat there. And I was quiet. And I heard a voice. My voice, sort of. I very clearly heard the voice in my head say, "Maybe the lesson is that doing something on your own doesn't mean that you have to do it alone... Maybe the point is that you could ask someone for help..." 

I don't know why I thought it. But it made me think... I texted D and asked if she was home. I told her what was going on... She and F got in their car and came over here. They were here in 20 minutes. F brought a tool kit and fiddled with the lawn mower for a while. He changed the spark plug, and then it worked... 

I mowed the whole front yard. Twice, really, cause I had to go over the leaves a few times... I got everything in the front yard done. It ran out of gas just as I got to the back yard. I took that as a sign, since it was 25 minutes until the 6pm meeting. I came in and tidied up, and went to the meeting. That is a whole different post. It was an experience.... 

So, not only did I learn that I can ask for help- that I can be strong and independent and get things done on my own even if I ask for help...

I also learned about spark plugs, and will be able to change it myself next time...  

What started out as a bad thing wound up being good. A lesson. Another one.  




Scrapbooks

I have been working on copying / recreating the family scrapbooks for the Ex for Christmas. It's only fair- we should both have them, and there is only one copy of each. I don't mind and I think it's a nice thing to do... 

But I discovered something amazing and intensely sad and... I don't even know what emotions to relate to it... 

The last day that I scrapbooked- after years and years of chronicling every singe day- the last thing I made a page for was S. Right when my ex started everything. Thats when our happy life stopped. That's when we started living in chaos and I started going crazy and I started resenting him more and more for what he was doing and trying to get me to do. 

That's when my inability to say no and my desire to just make everyone happy began to result in my enabling him to make terrible choices and I started hating him for not caring enough about me to make different ones. Everyone was to blame. But that is it. That is the day everything stopped. I hadn't even realized that the scrapbooks stopped that day, as well. 

It is so sad. 

But also very eye opening. 

10.26.2012

Another Step



What did I do today? Did I do anything? 

L had to get to a party by 6, so they packed up and she took M to Dad’s early. I was alone by 5:45. I showered, even though I really didn’t need to just for a meeting... But there is this part of me that is still waiting for him to show up somewhere... So I keep primping. Ugh. 

I went to B&N at about 7, and stayed til about 7:45, and then headed to the meeting. I got a Moleskin book for the RV stuff, and I got 3 books for G, all on Audrey Hepburn, a writing book for L for Christmas, and gift for T for Christmas.... 


The meeting was interesting... * brought the program, but he didn’t know until he arrived that it was supposed to be him. He came up with a thing from yesterdays reading about making “passive choices”. I had to talk first... I said that I had been thinking a lot about something sort of on the same track as ‘passive choices’-  this whole “people pleasing” thing I have been thinking about... 

I said that I keep putting other people first- doing what they want to do, going where they want to go, not wanting to be the “Stephanie” of the group... And while I think that putting other people first is a good and noble thing to do, I was doing it at times that I shouldn't have, and became an enabler, and allowed things to happen that shouldn’t. In addition, after putting other people first so much, for so long, then when they don’t put ME first ever, I get resentful and hurt. After a while of always thinking of others, but them never caring about me, I get so hurt and resentful that I just get mad and become crazy and I think no one loves me and I am irrational and all that other stuff the opening paragraph talks about... 

I said that I don’t have an answer- I am looking for one. I said that I don’t know where the line lies between being kind and caring and putting others first- or standing up for myself and what I want and what is best for me. I don’t want to be the bitch who announces that no one can sit on the porch because *I* don’t want to sit on the porch... Where is the line? How can I still be kind and be the kind of person I want to be, but not be a pushover? 

Every single person in the room said something directly related to my share. It was almost like I brought the program. Obviously this is an issue that resounds with people. They knew exactly what I was talking about. I am not alone... 


After the meeting I talked to * for a long time. I told him that I appreciated that he always said that it’s going to get worse before it gets better... Everyone else acts like Al-Anon made their life so happy and chipper from the moment they walked in... * said it will get better a bit in the beginning, and then when you start working it, it will get bad. Terrible. He said that you would hit bottom after you started working the program, and then eventually work back up... That has been true for me. While I can see that my life can be better, and I can see how to do it, it is SO hard to just simply START to act and live a different way overnight- impossible, actually- that it is frustrating and painful. Some people resent that you are changing. Some people resent that you haven’t changed yet. Some people think that changing your behaviours is as easy as just deciding to do it... And then to be constantly confronted with things about you that suck, and things that were your fault- it is hard. 

So, * said that people pleasing is insidious. He said it sneaks in and gets so deep into you and is so hard to identify... He says that people pleasing is just a way to try to contol people. That doing nice things for people to make them happy is actually your way of trying to control how they feel. When they give you thanks or appreciation for what you did, you get your approval fix, and feel loved and accepted. He certainly had a point. When I don’t get any acknowledgment for the things I try to do for people, my first feeling is that they don’t love me. That I give and give, and they don’t care and they don’t give back because I am nothing to them. 

I told him that I could not discern the difference between when I am doing something to gain someones approval (thus actually doing it for myself), or when I am genuinely doing it out of pure kindness. I always think I am just being kind. I always genuinely think that I am just being nice, with no strings attached. It isn’t until after they don’t say thank you, or ask for even more, or treat me badly after I did something nice that I get upset...

As I was driving home, I thought that actually, there is one time that I can be absolutely certain that I am giving out of pure kindness, not expecting any acknowledgement or love in return... At McDonalds. There is no way (normally) for the person behind me to thank me. There is never a way for them to return the kindness, and I will never see them again.  Many times, I just see them smile and wave, and I drive away. 

The other thing I thought while I was driving home was that I could see, at least in hindsight, the behaivour that * was talking about... I can read old e-mails and see myself saying over and over again that I just don’t feel loved. I can remember feeling exactly that way when the kids don’t appreciate what I do for them. That night after the fight at the restaurant, all I could think of was that I had tried SO HARD to make everyone happy, and yet somehow, I was the bad guy and everyone was mad at me, and what had I done? I had tried to help and I was the only one anyone was mad at. How the hell did that happen? 

I could see that my unhealthy need for approval had a lot to do with our relationship going the way it did. It didn’t help at all that I needed so much approval and that I was dating someone who gave none at all, and was incapable of getting hints that I needed it or that all he had to do was just give me a little reassurance to make me feel better.  

At first I thought, well shit, I can see what he thinks was so impossible to deal with or impossible to figure out, and why he would be frustrated with me. I could see at least part of what my contribution to the problem was... At first I wondered what I was supposed to do. Should I call him and tell him that I see now what I was doing wrong? Certainly I am going to try not to do it any more... But then I realized- I have always said that I know I did things wrong. Maybe I couldn’t see what they were yet exactly, but I knew that I had a lot of work to do on myself. The one thing I could promise was that little by little, I would see the things I do wrong, and would work or being a better person. He knew this. He knew I was working. He has seen behaviours change already. He has seen me stress over being a better person. Just because I see and understand something now that he was saying, that only changes something on my side. That doesn’t change anything on his side. He wasn’t willing to stand by me while I work on myself. He pretty much said that he couldn’t stand me the way I was, and that he had no faith in me that I would ever change, and he didn’t want to be with a person like me. He didn’t believe in me enough to believe that I could get better, and he wasn’t willing to be my partner and my friend while I work though these very, very hard things. 

These are things that are INGRAINED in my persona. My family (and most families with a lot of children and a lot of extroverts) all over dramatize and over emote to get their points across. We are all deeply passionate people, loud and emotional, happy and sad... Sometimes I couldn’t get any attention at all, because my mother was so engrossed in her own issues, or because for whatever reason, she didn’t think that what I was saying or feeling was important enough to listen to- so I (my sister, too) learned that you had to be extra sick, extra sad, extra angry to get her attention.... With J, he was just as, or more, emotional as I. Emotion was not looked down on- it was celebrated and expected and the norm. During a fight, you would have to be the louder or more emotional person to be heard. During the really bad times, I had to be on the absolute edge of intense emotion for him to be able to see how deeply what he was doing was hurting me. If I just asked normally, he would say OK, and then continue to do whatever it was. If I needed him to understand that I needed him to change something, he had to see me in tears, in pain, practically freaking out, before he would feel bad enough to truly think about what he was doing. In the end, even the crying, screaming, begging on my knees, frantic emotions didn’t work. He didn’t care, or was so sensitized to it that nothing worked to make him feel guilty enough to care about what he was doing... 

I can’t just STOP these things over night. Should I? Yes, absolutely, yes. But I can’t. I can try, and I will try, and I am trying. But it will take time. It might take a long time. * said he was in the program for SEVEN years before he started really getting it. I don’t think it will take that long for me, just because he was stuck on the higher power part, and couldn’t believe in a God that cared for him or was in control. I believe that and embrace it. And I know I have issues, and I want to change them. I do not think that everything is someone else's fault. 

I just wanted one person who would love me, even though I was flawed. Someone who could look at me and see how awesome I was when things were happy, and know that I had the potential to be like that all the time. Someone who could look past my flaws to who I REALLY was, and love me. And stay.  

All of this is going to be so hard. It hurts so much to look and really open my eyes fully to how I have been and how I can act and who I wanted to be and who I am not. It hurts and it is hard. I just wanted there to be someone in my corner, who would just be there. 

I don’t think that is so much to ask. 

10.21.2012

Sunday


Church. I am really enjoying Sunday School with A. Really. He is fun and interesting to talk to. One of those guys that gives the impression that he is a "good ole boy", then surprises you with his intelligence and attitudes. 

It was a LONG service. The Pastor back! He looks fantastic. Seriously, I think he looks better than before he had the stroke. Don't know how that is possible, but it's true. 

Talked to O for a long time afterward. He asked a ton of questions about my personal life. Didn’t know exactly how to handle that. The more we talked, the more comfortable I felt telling him things. But he is one of those guys who interrupts while you are talking to say, “right, right...” and then say what he is going to say... He asked me to go get coffee with him. I begged off, saying I had the girls. He said maybe we could next week, or that maybe he would give me a call... I don't want to get coffee with him. Or anyone. Suddenly, people are noticing that T is gone, and they are everywhere, asking me to go places and do things, and I can't possibly know what their motives or intentions are. I don't want to have to say no. I just don't want them to ask.... It causes me anxiety. 

On one hand, having to tell people that T is gone is really bothering me and making me feel embarrassed and awful. On the other hand, I keep hearing things that make me realize why our relationship wasn't going to work, and make me feel like maybe I have dodged a bullet by not being with him anymore... 

O said that his Divorce Care class made him realize that if he got into another relationship, what he needed was someone who was willing to TALK about their feelings. Really get INTO it, and share everything. He actually said, “Get our heads up each other’s asses and see all the bad stuff.” ... He talked about being in touch with his feelings and how important emotions are... All the things that T hates and thinks are unhealthy and unnecessary. That is exactly what I was trying to do with him. To KNOW each other. All of our faults and assets. All of our quirks and fears and to talk about them and know what we can live with and what we can’t and work on getting along the best we could... Like O said, it may be painful or ugly now, but it will make it so worthwhile years down the road... That is what I was thinking. That is what I have always thought. But all of the talking I wanted to do made me over emotional and difficult to deal with and he just couldn't see a “life” where he “had” to keep having conversations like that all of the time... 

The guest pastor (whom i did not care for at ALL. Standard, stereotypical southern baptist yelling preacher.) Told a story he saw on TV of two men, skydiving, who had to jump out over water because of a problem with the airplane. They were stuck in the water, far, far from shore. They tried to swim to shore, but the tide kept pulling them out. They saw a log floating by, and thought they were saved. They were so excited, and grabbed onto the log and floated on it.  They finally rested, and fell asleep, knowing that they could count on the log to wash up on shore with them... When they woke up, they were so far out to sea that they could barely see land. They let go of the log and tried to swim, but got tired and were afraid they wouldn’t make it, so they swam back to the log... After a while, it took them so far out to sea that they couldn't even see land any more... They realized that their only chance to live was to leave the log behind, and try to swim toward land... After several hours, a fishing boat came by, and they were saved... 

His point was that people sometimes cling to things that they think will save them, but actually are just making their situation worse. Sometimes you have to be brave, and let go of those things, and set out into the unknown in order to be saved... 

I never thought that I was looking for him to “save” me. But I did think that he was my future. I was looking for a happily ever after. Not a perfect one- I was excited about the idea that it would, in fact, be hard. That there would be challenges and difficulties and hard times. But I was excited that we would have learned from our mistakes before, and that we would be there for each other no matter what, and we would get through all of the hard times, together, and we would be one of those great couples who grow old together... 

While it is easy for me to see the ways that he was like that log for me- pulling me further and further away from where I should be- it is hard for me to see how I was that for him... I know I wasn’t perfect, and I know I am emotional... But I felt like I gave him more love than anyone in his life ever had before. More support and acceptance and admiration... I don’t know what about me made his life worse. But I guess there must be something, or he wouldn’t have left. Maybe, as the year goes by, I will be able to see more what about me made him so miserable and how I was only making things worse for him... 

Marble 6


This week's marble... 

I interviewed for a job, and did really well... I did almost everything on my to-do list... I helped put on a big event on Tuesday night. I accepted an invitation to a party... I averted a major crisis on Wednesday... 

But mostly, more than anything this week, I WORKED ON THIS DRESS... M went to homecoming this weekend, and I made her dress. Which wasn't easy because she refused to stand still or let pins touch her skin, or put her phone down while trying it on... 

I don't really know how to categorize this week... I did a lot. I felt a lot. Good and bad. 

The one thing I know I spent the most time on, though, was this dress, so- this week's marble, bathed in purple satin.... 







10.15.2012

Torn

Ugh. What a day.

I spent the day preparing for my interview. I was really confident that I would do well. I thought I might even come home employed.

The interview went about as well as I expected, although I wasn't expecting quite such pointed questions about my life and my faith. Obviously, it is a Christian non-profit organization, so those things are important. I was a little thrown by her asking me to explain how I came to be a Christian... I don't really have a story... I've just gone to church since I was born. :)  I thought at one point that it was a done deal, when she started explaining what we had to wear to work. But then before I left she mentioned that she had 3 other people to interview. I asked her candidly what she thought the chances were, since I didn't want to waste 2 more weeks not looking for work if I didn't have this job. She smiled and told me not to apply for anything else. So, things went pretty much exactly like I thought they would. But....

I knew that, since it is, a charity, essentially, that the pay would be low. I had already decided that #1, it was important to me that I like where I work, and that it be somewhere that I could be proud of, and somewhere that would help me in my journey to become who I want to be- and #2, that there are just no jobs out there right now. When I heard that F had lost his job- after 23 loyal years with the same company- I knew that I couldn't keep waiting for the "right" job with a great salary and convenient hours. I know people who have been unemployed for 4 years. For real. So I decided that even though this wouldn't pay a lot, it was better than nothing.

However, I was NOT expecting the amount they pay. I could make more waiting tables. It threw me for a loop. I have been feeling very anxious all day. It is where I want to work, and I understand that working for a charity doesn't pay a lot... But this is less than 'not a lot'. It's almost a joke. I don't understand how people work there. Obviously it is only people who have partners also working. Or have other jobs, like I know one of them does...

I am just not sure any more. It is definitely my first choice of places to work out of the opportunities I have seen s far.. But to work so many hours to bring home almost no money? And the whole point of this was to make as much money as possible to start saving for L's college. I told her about it, and I saw her face fall. She wants me to make a lot of money so she can go to school...  Although I really want to work somewhere I can be proud of and that I feel has purpose, on the other hand, is this being irresponsible- to work for so little when there HAS to be something else out there?

My thought at the moment is to take it if it is offered, and work there until something better comes along, if that happens. If I am offered something really extraordinary, then I can move on. But for now, this job is better than no job, and at least it pays something. Ugh. Anxiety.

Of course, it didn't help that I had to explain, AGAIN, what happened. Why I am single, why I am working, why I left my old job... After all this time, I still don't know an easy way to explain it. And after all this time, it still hurts to tell it.

I walked out just a jumble of emotions. I felt great about how the interview had gone. I nailed it, definitely. I felt great about being there, and knowing that I was probably going to get the job. But My anxiety was raising about the pay, and my heart hurt after having to try to explain why I left my old job...

I ran a bunch of errands... I didn't get everything I needed, but L was coming by here after school, so I had to get back. I will have to finish errands tomorrow before Octoberfest...


10.14.2012

Marble 5

I wasn't sure what to do with my marble this week... I didn't do an awful lot out of the house. 

I spent all of the first few days working on a gift for him. It was something I had already planned to do- maybe for Christmas- and I didn't see any reason to still not do it. It took several days on the computer- one night I was up until 3am- but I got it done, and ordered. It should be here this week, I am guessing. And I think I will package it up with the things I had already bought for his girls and send it to his work... His oldest's birthday is in November. Maybe I will send it along with some gifts for her. She will be the only one who didn't get her birthday with the whole crew this year... 

I spent another whole day working on the scrapbooks for my Ex. I already scanned thousands of pictures from all of the scrapbooks, and now I am working on cropping them all properly and then putting them into scrapbooks in Shutterfly and ordering them for Christmas. It's hard to look through all of those photos and remember how happy we all were. 

I spent a lot of the beginning of the week sitting at my computer staring at the screen- cruising through meme sites and Facebook- avoiding doing anything I really had to do. And then of course, getting more and more anxious about how much I felt like I was slacking...  I finally told myself that enough was enough, and made a list of all of the things I had to do, and started doing them. Of course, I felt much better afterward. I always feel happier and more self-assured when I am getting things accomplished, and don't feel guilty for being lazy or letting my anxiety or depression get the best of me. 

Ironically, I had a very long talk with L about that very subject this week. 

So, the marble.... 

This week I got a lot done. I finished T's gift, and started on the scrapbooks. I did my banking, and applied for several more jobs. I cleaned out the laundry room and did most of the laundry. I am almost done with M's dress, even after several setbacks. I got a job interview, which I am excited about. I also decorated the SS class bulletin board. And I spent 2 days in the yard, raking, trimming hedges, pulling weeds, and mowing. I am so sore. That was a lot of leaves. And there are more to come. So, this week's picture is my desk- with a few things from all of the things I accomplished this week. 

All in all, I would say it was a good week. There were a lot of sad parts. Several today, in fact. But overall, there was more good than bad. I let my sadness or depression get the best of me several times, and I felt really bad about myself for staying in bed so late several days... But I got it together by the end. And if I get the job, I will have to get out of bed, and I will have to be busy, and I think that is going to be great. 






10.12.2012

Today

It was an OK day. It got off to a tenuous start- my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't get out of bed until about 11... I felt so down on myself for not getting up earlier and getting busy that it kind of messed up the beginning of the day... 

But, as they say in the rooms, you can chose to start your day over at any moment. A day is 24 hours- those 24 can start at any moment. You can start a new day any time you want... So I got my list of things that need to be done, and tried to get going.  I always feel so much better, and better about myself, after I have accomplished something. 

I had been planning to go to JoAnne Fabrics to get some things for M's dress. I know that they have a 'help wanted' sign on the door. So I thought that I would see about talking to the manager while I was there. That is one of the major things I was anxious about when I woke up... I decided that before I went and applied of a job, I would call the bookstore one more time. I decided to just ask them stright out if they were going to be hiring. If they weren't, then I would just go to JoAnnes and apply. I was certain I could get hired there. But I really want to work at the bookstore. It was my first choice, the moment I knew I needed to work. 

So, I called. I am afraid of telephones, so just the fact that I picked up the phone to call was a big thing for me. I talked to the manager, and asked her flat out what the likelihood of them hiring anyone soon was, and told her that I was putting off applying other places, because I wanted to work there. She asked me why I wanted to work there, and a few questions about availability. And then she asked me to come in on Monday for a face to face interview! If I hadn't called, that wouldn't have happened. Who knows how leisurely a pace they are going to take in hiring. It could have been weeks, or never at all. But because I was persistent, I am going in to talk to her on Monday. And I am just sure that I will get hired once she talks to me. I am certain of it. I can do anything they could possibly need me to do, and I am enthusiastic and ready and willing to work. I have seen the other people who work there. Unless she has some problem with me personally, or I suppose unless they only need people for nights or weekend, which I couldn't do, then I am very confident that I will get a job. 

When I hung up with her is when I picked up the phone to text L about it... But she was still in school. My next thought was to text him about it, but... Obviously I can't do that. So I sat alone and had no one to share my happiness with. That made me feel very sad for a good part of the day, even thought I was happy about the interview and proud of myself. 

I never did get to JoAnnes. Once I knew that I wasn't going to apply for a job, I decided that the things I needed were further down the priority list than things that I needed to do at home. Once the girls got home, I found out that I took M's entire dress apart for no reason, and that what I was going to try on the waist band won't work. That irritated me, but I have it mostly back together now, and I think it is going to be OK. 

I went to the football game- it was an away game. Our team sucks. But the game was almost over when we scored another touchdown and they tied the game!! Then we went into overtime, and they got a touchdown and field goal, and then WE got a touchdown, and a two point conversion, and WON the game! That is extraordinary! I am so excited that the team is doing so well during L's senior year.  They have lost every game they have played since she started going there. So this is exciting! 

I got home and looked over my list of things to do. I tried something with M's dress and discovered a really cool idea that is going to make it look really nice, so I am excited about that. I am knocking things off of my list slowly but surely. And once I am working, I think that is going to take so much off of my mind, plus giving me a reason to wake up every morning, and people to talk to during the day.  Tomorrow I plan to work in the yard the entire day. I need to rake and then mow over the leaves. I need to trim the hydrangeas and weed the flowerbed. Maybe I will clean the back porch (again). I also need to go by JoAnnes and get the things I didn't get today. And if I want, there is a meeting at 6. I probably should go to that. 

I am really feeling positive about the future. I'm not saying I am not still sad. I sat there at the game all alone, and saw every other single person there with a friend or a partner. That hurts and makes me lonely. I want to be able to share things. But I am no longer feeling hopeless. I am excited about this year. I know that it is going to be fine- it is going to be great. I am looking forward to meeting people and being busy. When I'm not working, I am going to go to the gym and get myself into the shape that I always wanted to. I don't have to plan my schedules around anyone else but the kids. I don't have to worry about what anyone else whats to do or doesn't, or what they approve of.  For the first time ever, I am looking forward and seeing a future that is wide open, full of possibilities. And I am excited about it. 



No one

Something so good just happened. I was so excited and so proud of myself. I hung up the phone and did a little dance, and then reached for the phone again to call someone to tell them the good news.

But there isn't any one to tell. I don't have anyone to call. There isn't anyone who knows or would understand or who would care...

Instead of feeling so excited about everything, I stood there and stared at the phone and with tears in my eyes.

I know I can do this alone. I haven't the slightest doubt about my abilities or my strength. I can survive alone. I can do anything I need to do. I can have fun, I can experience life, I can travel and I can learn- alone.

But that doesn't mean that I want to. I want to share it. Life is meant to be shared.

10.10.2012

Same Mistakes

I was determined to not make the same mistakes again...

So I loved with more than I had, and gave everything and made sure I made him feel loved and wanted and important and sexy and smart. I planned everything around him, did everything with him, always had sex any time he wanted to, never rejected him in any way... I looked past his faults and our differences and loved him with everything that I had.  I looked back at all the things I did wrong last time, and was determined to be the kind of partner that I should have been before... My idea of not making the same mistakes was to make sure that this time, I was focused more on the happiness of the other person...


He was determined to not make the same mistakes again...

So every time he saw me do something he didn't like, he backed away. He catalogued my faults and became less and less sure. His idea of not making the same mistake was to not chose another person who did things he didn't like. This time he is going to stay in charge. Not give up any control. Not accept any less than perfect behavior...   His idea of not making the same mistakes was to make sure that this time, he was focused more his own happiness, and not letting someone else get in the way...

10.09.2012

L


Gave blood today. Saw two friends from the old church, and W. I had a really good time. W told me a story that had me in stitches. And he and F both talk so much, it made me giggle to watch them together. They were a force to be reckoned with. :) 
L was having a bad day. She was depressed and wanted me to bring her home from school early. I wouldn't do it. I talked to her for a long time after school. I tried to tell her that I understood how she felt. That I suffered with depression and anxiety, and I understood feeling like you just CAN'T do it, but that you have to. You just have to force yourself to be strong and do what needs to be done... I tried to give her examples of how I felt to show that I understood what she was going through. She got mad at me- accused me of making it all about myself. 
I got stern with her. I told her that I was not making it about myself, I was just trying to make her see that I get it. I explained to her in detail how I feel when I wake up. About the anxiety. I told her about high school, and the cutting. I described what it is like to be me, especially when I am depressed or anxious. I know for a fact that I was describing her. I could see it on her face. She wouldn’t look at me, but her eyes started to well up with tears...
Then I told her that she wasn't going to want to hear this, but this is the truth:  I said that being depressed and anxious is like falling into a hole. It isn't your fault that you are there, and people just telling you to get out of it is stupid and they don't understand what it's like. I understand how you get anxious or depressed, so you don't want to do anything. So you don't. Then you feel guilty for not doing the things you should. Then the guilt makes you feel bad about yourself. So then you are feeling anxiety, depression, guilt and self loathing... Which makes you not want to get up off of the bed even more. So you don't do even more things that you should do. And you feel even worse when you don't... You stay down in that hole, and you dig it deeper and deeper- all by yourself. You find yourself so deep that you feel like you can't ever get out. I understand all of that. I know- I have been there. I am there now. I get it... But I told her that what she does't want to hear is that you have to just DO something about it. You HAVE to just make a list of all the things that you are feeling too anxious to do, and the things that you are feeling guilty for not doing, and DO one. Just one. Just get up off of your ass and do something. You will feel better about yourself for doing something. Then maybe you can do another. I told her about "I got better when I got busy" and "fake it til you make it"... I knew she was a little pissed at me for being so blunt, but, it had to be done. It is something I have to do every single day. Especially now that I have been alone. Then I told her that she can not get better until she decides that she wants to. No one can get her off of the bed and no one can make her feel better about herself. I told her that when she decides that she has had enough, and she is ready to do something to change her feelings and her life, that I will be there. That I will be waiting for her, and I will help her however I can, and I will be her biggest cheerleader. But she has to decide to do it first... 
About a half hour later, I heard her get out of the bed, and start practicing oboe. 
I went in and kissed her forehead and told her that I was so proud of her. 

My heart breaks for her. I don't want anyone to have to live like I have. To have to feel like I have. But I also felt great hope. She listened to me. I think she heard me. And she got up off of the bed and did something. I hope she can learns from my mistakes before she is robbed of the best years of her life. 


10.08.2012

Kissing


I miss kissing. 





I miss kissing him




10.06.2012

Angry

The truth is, I am angry, but really- I am only angry about one thing... 

I read all of these love quotes and all of these beautiful writings about love and relationships and what real love is... And I know, without any doubt, that he just never really loved me. Not like I loved him. 

There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing to be done. You can't make someone feel something they don't. It's not his fault that he didn't feel it... There have been lots of guys who said that they loved me in my life whose feelings I just didn't return. It happens. 

I am hurt and embarrassed. I am humiliated for being that person who was so stupidly in love that they couldn't see that the other person didn't feel the same. That stupid girl who wasted years of her life on some guy that never wanted her. I never, ever thought I would be that girl. 

That is where my feelings come from. That is where all the hurt and sadness and tears are coming from... 

But the anger... Besides the hypocritical and judgmental way he acted, there is really only one thing I can really, truly be angry at him for: 

He lied. He spent years lying to me. Telling me he loved and and wanted me and letting me believe that we were in a committed relationship. He let me think about forever when he was only thinking about next week. He knew I was wasting my time, and he let me. He was too lonely, or chicken, or selfish or something to just tell me the truth and let me go. I gave him something he needed- whatever that was- and he didn't want to let that go, even though he didn't want all of me. 

He wasted my time. My precious and fleeting time. And today, I am angry about it. 



Marble 4


So here is my marble for this week...

This is a little suitcase that I have on my dresser. Until yesterday, it was filled with keepsakes from my time with him.  Gifts he gave me, ticket stubs, plastic flowers, sea shells, brochures from places we went together...

This last week, I have been busy. I went to New York all by myself. I went sightseeing, did some business, ran a 5k, saw a show, and made new friends. I did it myself. When I got home, I was busy with 3 different rehearsals, looking for a job, and catching up on housework. On Thursday I decided to drive 2 hours to the next state to a dinner theatre where a friend works and see CATS. I went alone. I figured out how to get there by myself. I drove alone. I ate a delicious meal. I talked to folks and made some friends. I stayed after and talked to the cast and visited and joked for quite a while... Then I drove home alone. The week before that, I took the kids camping all on my own...

Just because I am alone, that doesn't mean that I can't still do stuff. In fact, I can do more, if I want to, because it's easier to plan with only one person, and there were a lot of things that he didn't want to do. Like going to New York...  I had a great time. I was busy. I wasn't despondent. I wasn't sad. I could definitely see a day where I would do all of these things, and not be thinking about the fact that he wasn't there. I realized that I was looking forward to making my own memories. I don't need someone else to help me fill up a box with keepsakes. I have already made great memories for myself. By myself.

So I emptied out the box of keepsakes. I put everything from him into a box and put it under my bed...

But now the little suitcase on my dresser is for MY memories. For this next 11 months of adventures and learning. This is a picture of my marble along with just a few of the keepsakes that I have already accumulated in my first month.

This is going to be OK.